The Sky is Falling: Asteroid to Maybe Possibly Hit Earth, But Probably Not

Asteroid Impacts Field During Game

Asteroid Impacts Field During Game (Photo credit: Jeffrey Beall)

So this is how it ends.

I have really enjoyed my time on the planet earth. There are a lot of things I’ve enjoyed. Red Velvet Cake comes to mind. Also tube socks.

I would love to spend more time with these items, but alas, my time on this spinning globe I call home is coming to a close. It has been a terrific 2.5 decades, but like all good things, it must come to an end. It is nearing the time where we all must say goodbye.

It won’t be too long until Earth is crushed by a great big asteroid.

Next February, the asteroid 2012 DA14 (Kevin to all of its asteroid friends), will come within 17,000 miles of the earth. To put that into perspective, you would only change your car’s oil five times driving that distance. I prefer my asteroids to be thousands of oil changes away.

As people are prone to do, a great amount of worry has suddenly been heaped onto this asteroid. Why do the asteroids hate us? How could we possibly survive an asteroid hitting Earth? More importantly, why haven’t the scientists stopped focusing on unimportant things like giving lab rats cancer and started building a spaceship that can protect us from these murderous boulders?

Or course NASA says there’s nothing to worry about. They say the asteroid (Kevin) will not come anywhere close to actually hitting the planet, no one will die, nothing bad will happen. We will all be able to continue our happy little lives until the day that we get cardiac arrest from eating 14 cheeseburgers a day and expire.

NASA claims that the articles online aren’t “factual” and have not been “checked” by “scientists.” They are likening this story to the story of Chicken Little. Now I don’t know who to believe. On the one hand, a bunch of lab coat wearing scientist types are telling me that we are safe from space rocks crushing, causing new ice ages, or in any way hurting us. On the other hand, a bunch of people like myself are prepared to run around in the street, screaming “We’re doomed! We’re all doomed!”

On the off-chance that people like me are right, we should formulate some sort of plan. The first step is, obviously, a massive party with banners everywhere crying “We were right!” and “NASA: Not As Smart As…” We’ll serve tiny pigs in a blanket and that punch that has juice AND sherbet in it. It will probably be a black tie affair and we’ll have the DJ play classic jazz tunes.

After that, though, my plan is completely open.

Where have the politicians been on this whole issue? All they ever talk about is the economy, job creation, or Iran trying to kill us with a bunch of nuclear weapons. No one has once presented a plan to keep us safe from space rock attacks.

It’s almost as if everyone is ignoring the fact that giant stones from outer space are coming to destroy us all. You know how they say those who don’t study history are doomed to repeat it? Well, the dinosaurs didn’t believe that an asteroid was going to kill them and look how that turned out. I don’t want my skeleton to be hanging in a museum thousands of years from now, so maybe we should think this through.

In fact, if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that we definitely are about to have a terrible asteroid-related disaster. Every disaster movie starts with someone saying that something terrible is going to happen, only to have respected scientists say “There is no way that smoking volcano will erupt,” or “Our studies show that the giant tidal wave headed straight towards New York will cause absolutely no damage.” Then the exact thing these scientists said won’t happen ACTUALLY DOES HAPPEN!

NASA has basically guaranteed that, come next February, we will all be racing to evacuate major cities and huddling together for warmth somewhere.

Naturally, this has me worried. I almost bought a helmet at Wal-Mart the other day (You don’t want to get a concussion from an asteroid hitting you on the head). I have just started working out and eating healthy. I don’t want to do that, just to be killed by something falling from space.

In fact, we should all be worried. Everyone should immediately find the nearest contractor and hire them to build your very own Asteroid Shelter. Stock up on food and water. Buy a bunch of asteroid repellant.

With a bit of preparation now, we can all be safe next February. That asteroid can pulverize the planet, and we’ll just sit in our shelters laughing at the stupid rock that thought it could kill us. We could all be protected from this threat.

Not that it really matters. The Mayan calendar ends before then.

Wow, we really are in trouble.

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10 thoughts on “The Sky is Falling: Asteroid to Maybe Possibly Hit Earth, But Probably Not

  1. Only five oil changes away? And you didn’t buy that helmet? I’m running out right now to buy a helmet and a hazmat suit. And some Pringles, because I don’t want to be stuck surviving in a world without Pringles.

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  2. Hahaha Good luck to you! I’m really excited about your Plan-A: “We were right!”campaign against NASA and screaming in streets: “We are doomed” and serving pigs in blanket and punch, and in the thing about politicians, I verily agree with you, why do we pay taxes for? for that one day, a big ball of fire and mass hits us to steak? I support you, GO NATHAN GO!!
    ohh and would you please reserve a helmet in Wal-Mart for me? just wondering if they will be out of stock soon! I swear, I ‘ll pay you later!

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  3. “asteroid repellant”, now there’s a business idea. Definitely a market gap.

    Although, come to think of it… Didn’t the Mayas predict the end of the world for later this year already? I suppose that would thwart the asteroid’s plans of destroying the world a wee bit.

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