I am a huge fan of cell phones. There is nothing quite as fantastic as walking through a crowded place, desperately hunting for reception so you can listen to that voicemail that will, no doubt, be a stranger with a “very special offer just for Nattan Bradley.” Plus, without cell phones, I would never be able to end an incredibly boring conversation with a fake phone call.
As amazing as these inventions can be, though, they can be just as irritating. My trips to the grocery store are usually an hour of me bobbing and weaving through other customers that are randomly stopping as Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” suddenly echoes out of their handbag. I’m pretty sure my ears are permanently damaged from someone having a shouting phone conversation next to me. I have seen a semi-truck driver checking a text message while on the interstate, a sight that is terrifying enough to haunt me in my dreams.
These cell phone miscreants are so extreme, they have driven people all over America to begin to carry illegal jammers with them. These jammers will silence any cell phone activity within 15 feet of the person, effectively creating a nice cell phone-free safe haven.
Now, apparently, this is a big story because these cell phone jammers can “cause safety issues” and “interrupt 911 signals.” Well, these people can just calm down. These people are just trying to protect themselves from the number four cause of death in America: noise pollution.
There would be absolutely no reason for these people to carry tiny jammers with them if everyone would be polite with their cell phones. That’s why I have done America, nay, the entire world a huge favor. I have given people guidelines to know if they are obnoxious cell phone users.
1. Look at where you’re at.
Not all areas are suited for your very important phone conversation about what that one person did that one time and how funny the whole experience was. For instance, if you are in the library loudly talking about how “that dummy Tommy totally thought Terminator 2 was a band,” you are annoying everyone and making yourself look very stupid at the same time.
To test your level of annoyance, check the eyes of people nearby. If you see one person rolling their eyes, it’s probably okay. Every place has one person who rolls their eyes at everything. (“Watching TV?” Huge Eye Roll)
If you notice multiple people rolling their eyes, you have officially become the most annoying person in the room. Put your phone away immediately to avoid become “that one idiot on the phone.”
2. Realize that your phone call is not that important.
When a phone rings, it is human nature to want to answer it. There are times, though, that it is not the most important thing you are doing. If you do not know whether to answer your phone, consult the following list.
Do answer the phone:
When you are at home
When you are not doing anything important
Do NOT answer the phone:
If you are performing CPR or any other lifesaving procedure
If you are flying an airplane
If you are controlling a giant metal box on wheels that is traveling at a ridiculous speed next to other metal boxes that are also traveling at ridiculous speeds.
If you are attempting to spy on a foreign dignitary.
More or less, any time your phone rings. It will almost never ring when it is a good time to answer.
3. Never answer a cell phone next to me.
Don’t do it. Please.
Follow these three steps and you will lower your chances of getting punched because of your cell phone usage to microscopic levels.
If you absolutely must break any of these rules, make sure it isn’t number 3. Otherwise, you may find a phone neatly jammed in your esophagus.
That goes double if your ringtone is Journey.
- CELL PHONE JAMMER: Philadelphia Vigilante Blocks Cell Signals Along Bus Route (VIDEO) (blippitt.com)
- The Jammer who Silenced the Bus (samyueruiriamuzu.wordpress.com)
- The Congress Urged Allowing Cell Phone Jammers (socyberty.com)
- Vigilant Quiet Keeper Jams Cell Phones On Philadelphia Buses (inquisitr.com)
- The bus rider who jams yappers’ cell phones (news.cnet.com)