Just days ago, I wrote a post declaring my predictions for the Oscars. I found it to be a mildly entertaining, albeit not fantastic, post that was worthy of being posted on my mildly entertaining, albeit not fantastic, blog. It was not the best thing I’ve ever written. That said, it was also not the absolute worst. That honor goes to a short story written in fourth grade about a monkey. The characters were unbelievable and plot was imprudent.
I spent a fair amount of time (at least ten minutes) on this post. When I spend that much time on one thing, I assume that everyone is going to rave about it. After all, I am basically a critical darling in the blog world.*
So, imagine my surprise when, instead of singing songs of praise to me, I was… criticized! This isn’t meant to happen. People are all supposed to love my work. Men should want to be me and women should want to be with me. Up until now, this was always the case.*
So, first off, I would like to take a second to apologize. It was not the best post ever. I am aware of that. If you thought it was the best post ever, you should be embarrassed of yourself. For shame, I say!
One reader, AnkitaD, put it very kindly and eloquently:
“I am sorry, but I found this the most boring post ever.”
There is no reason for you to be sorry, Ankita. As you might have noticed in the previous paragraph, I just apologized to you. We can’t both be sorry. That is offsetting apologies and that never seems to work out. What I’m trying to say, I guess, is I do not accept your apology. Take it back, immediately.
Of course, I took what AnkitaD said to heart. After all, Anky (as I affectionately call him/her) has been very kind. Anky has read other posts and had nice things, even taking part in my posts about how much I lie. In fact, we were on our way to becoming best friends forever until I derailed our friendship train by placing the penny that was this blog post on the relationship track. (That, ladies and gentlemen, is called an extremely forced metaphor.)
Anky, I hope you can find it, deep down in your heart, to forgive me. Hopefully I haven’t crushed our relationship under the heel of one mediocre blog post.
Of course, some people were less polite about it.
One of my predictions was for The Artist, a silent movie, to sneak in at the last minute and steal best sound editing. This is clearly an idiotic statement that should not be, in any way, taken seriously. It is not nominated, therefore it cannot and will not win. Also, it was a silent movie. This is the one category where I do not really expect it to win.
Nevertheless, some people did not read it in the spirit it was intended.
“Re: Sound Editing
The fact that “The Artist” is NOT completely silent aside, your argument is still invalid. It relates back to the burden of proof. A film must (assuming you believe the Academy does as it claims) prove the quality of its efforts; a failure to make effort is not proof of its success. Much like the appeal to ignorance, a lack of effort/sound is not proof of sound quality. The lack of sound is not perfection; it is absence.”
So, while I am on a role apologizing to people like Anky, I thought I’d get Angela too.
My dearest Angela,
I hope the day doth find you well. I appreciate that you took the time to read a long and mediocre blog post by myself. It was very kind of you, as I am sure you have much better things to be doing in your own life. In fact, I would assume all of my readers have much better things to be doing. Go do those things right now, you lazy slobs!
I would like to apologize to you if, for even a second, you thought I was serious about The Artist winning best sound editing. I do not expect the Academy to hand out this Oscar to a movie that obviously can not qualify. It would be like giving The Descendents the Oscar for Best Makeup because they got the powder on George Clooney’s nose very smooth and even. That would be ridiculous, and I don’t mean ridiculous in the way the Academy usually seems to be.
In conclusion, I was not serious at all. About anything. Ever.
I think that about covers it. If you were in any way offended or upset about my previous posts, please send a letter to:
PO Box 2134
Hollywood, California 90078*
Thank you for your time. I promise to do my best to find better, mildly entertaining topics for this mildly entertaining blog in the future.
*This is not true.