There is a creature, the likes of which very few have ever seen. It will appear once a year, but no one knows where you can find this being. After years of waiting, though, it has finally reappeared. It has shown it’s green face and popped its whipped cream covered head out of its hiding place. The Big Foot of extremely fattening beverages has returned.
The Shamrock Shake is back.
The Shamrock Shake has a kind of fervent base of followers that only the most dynamic cult leaders could accumulate. Every March, McDonalds releases this shake to a select few of their restaurants. This leads to thousands of people turning to the internet in hopes of finding a nearby place to grab one of these treats. Fans often drive hundreds of miles just for this sewage-green shake.
I have never had the chance to try one in my life. As far as I know, they have never been released near me. This year, though, McDonalds sent this drink to every restaurant inAmerica. I would finally be able to try the Holy Grail of mint flavored beverages.
I was not extremely hopeful. This beverage is worshipped by the same people who would drive 100 miles to get a McRib, the most disgusting sandwich of all-time (I challenge you to name a more disgusting meal between buns). Nevertheless, I would attempt to be adventurous and try this cup of Nickelodeon slime.
My quest for this drink brought me to my McDonald’s drive-thru at10:30assuming no one would be there. Instead, there was a line that wrapped around the entire building. Most of these people, I’m sure, had been waiting in that drive-thru all night for this shake. Either that, or they wanted an Egg McMuffin.
After a brief ten minute wait, I finally had it in my hand. My fingers were chilled by the cup. Something, though, didn’t seem right. I immediately had my first issue with it.
The picture of the Shamrock Shake looked like this:
As you can see, it looks delicious and perfect in every way. The whipped cream was swirled. The green shined ever so brightly. A single cherry is perched on top.
My Shamrock Shake, though, looked like this:
I wondered if someone had dropped it on the way to drive-thru window. There was no delightful swirl of whipped cream. Just a glop of white on top. The cherry was off to one-side. It looked maimed and slightly sad. Strike one, Shamrock Shake.
I hesitantly put the straw into the shake. With it’s appearance, my hopes of finding a new favorite shake had sunk even lower. Ever so carefully, I lifted it to my lips and took a single sip. I prepared myself for the mouthwash flavor that I had been anticipating.
I found something different. I was drinking pure bliss in a cup.
Initially, I was very disappointed. I had thought up many jokes about this drink. I wanted to hate it so very much. I just couldn’t, though. Instead, I found myself whisked away into a magical land of minty ice creamy goodness. All I could do was sing its praises:
Oh Shamrock Shake,
How I long your for your delightful blend of mint and vanilla.
But how can I show you my love?
I think not, for a tune is not enough to sing your praises.
Your gift to this world is far too great
For a simple tune to express my love.
There is no physical expression that could broadcast
My longing for you.
Your minty hug envelopes me
Leaving me in a land of creamy rivers and trees of sweetness.
I’ll ride my magical minty unicorn through this land in search of you,
Shouting with my icy breath, calling your name
For you, my Shamrock Shake, are what I’ve always longed for.
You are my one true love.
In my future, I can see many sleepless nights, wishing I had another shake with me. I can see me ballooning past 300 pounds (a 580 calorie shake will do that to you), but I don’t care. After St. Patrick’s Day, this treat will go back into its hiding place. I may never see it again. I will have lost my one true love and there is no way to get it back.
I guess I could just drink a vanilla shake with a piece of gum in my mouth. That might be the same…