KIDS: The Workout You’ve Always Dreamed Of

A Marine of the United States Marine Corps run...

Want to look like this? We have the secret!

Are you tired of feeling sluggish? Do you look in the mirror every morning and think to yourself, “GROOOOOSSSSSSS! I look like THAT?!” Do you frequently find yourself unable to lift even the simplest objects like a bag or groceries or even just one single grocery?

Have I got great news for you. After years of ineffective workouts like “weight lifting” or “exercising,” the greatest scientific advancement in the history of physical fitness has arrived. You don’t need to fill your apartment with that bulky workout equipment to get fit. You don’t need to count calories to lose weight.

All you need is a KID.

Where dumbbells and aerobic activity have failed, a KID succeeds. From day one, you will find yourself constantly lifting, toning those biceps and triceps and all of those other arm muscles know one even knows the names of.

The secret is their initial inability to walk. Your KID will show up with no walking skills, unable to move itself ANYWHERE! You will find yourself toning those upper body muscles immediately, carrying that KID everywhere!

With other workouts, remembering to do them can be hard. You lead a busy life. How are you supposed to remember that you need to lift a heavy object for a half hour every day?

With your KID, you will NEVER forget. Each KID comes with its own workout reminder. The minute you forget to carry that KID, you will receive our patented shrill, warning cry. The only way you’re forgetting to do your KID workout is if you’re in a coma!

One of the best features of your KID is the automatic aging feature. As your workout advances, so does the difficulty. Eventually, your KID will learn to walk, giving you a fantastic cardio workout as you chase that KID. The KID’s weight will advance, building more and more muscle through the years. Just imagine how fit you will be after just four years with the KID!

We won’t lie to you. There are downsides to the KID. For instance, they sometimes smell bad. You also must keep your KID workout machine powered with mashed bananas and something that is labeled “spaghetti,” but is, without a doubt, not spaghetti.

Sure, these may seem like a big deal, but the pros completely outweight the cons.

Call today, and we will send you a bottle of fertility drugs from a sketchy pharmacy in Tijuana. You know it’s quality if they have it in Tijuana!

In just a few short months, you and your loved one will find yourselves with the workout of your dreams!

That dream of a world free of treadmills and Bowflexes can be yours for just 36 easy payments of $199.95! That’s less than you would spend on your 67 monthly lattes!
 
A KID is just a phone call away. Call now!
 
*Drugs have not been approved by the FDA or any other organization, really. Additional costs for food, clothing, doctors visits, braces, and other items to keep your KID alive may apply. Before having a KID, contact your physician as well as your psychiatrist. KIDs are not recommended for many, many, many people. Make sure you are not one of these people before calling.
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22 thoughts on “KIDS: The Workout You’ve Always Dreamed Of

  1. This is good advice for someone like me. Now I know the pitfalls – material or psychological or the, er, value-added-services (the patented shrills and the like). And I think that kids should come with an attached price-tag.

    As far as the work-outs go, I think I’ll keep working on my one-pack for now.

    Like

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