My Awards Acceptance Speech

Signs for the Golden Globe Awards.

Image via Wikipedia

Let’s be honest: I will most likely never win an award. I lack any discernable talent that could get me to the Golden Globes or Academy Awards, so I will never have to worry about delivering an acceptance speech.

While, this may not be an issue for me, I felt inadequately equipped while watching the Golden Globes tonight. What if I find myself in a situation where, unexpectedly, I end up on an awards show podium? Having been a Boy Scout for nearly two full years, I know that I should try to always be prepared.

That’s why I have prepped an awards speech. Now, I no longer have to worry that I am dreadfully unprepared. Instead, I can sound just like every other award winner.

If I ever win an award, this is what I will say:

 

(When you get on stage, make sure you pretend the trophy is way heavier than you ever expected it to be.) Wow! Wow! Wow! Wowsa! Whooeeooee! This is such a surprise! (Make sure you look shocked. If you look like you wrote this speech way before for, say, your blog, people will think you are a huge, self-entitled, jerk.)

It was truly an honor to get to work on this magnificent project. I never thought I would ever get a chance to work with a director like I did on this project, so I want to thank that director very much. (Pause for applause. People like clapping for famous directors.) Also, the production team that produced this project is truly the best team of producers to ever produce a production. (Pause for applause, but a much shorter applause than you had with the director. People don’t really care about producers.)

I also want to thank my agent for doing that thing that agents do. I’m not sure what it is, but according to TV, there is a lot of yelling involved.

I’d like to thank my family for allowing me to work on this particular project, thus earning me a trophy like this. I would like to thank my wife for always supporting me. (Director cuts to wife who is tearing up. This gives me major bonus points that I will be able to trade in to get out of doing chores.) I also want to thank my children Grapple and JaMarcus for always being there for me when I get home. Turn off the TV and go to bed now, kids. (Pause for laughter. This isn’t really a funny joke, but everyone laughs at it every time an award winner says it. Since it always kills, you should definitely use it.)

(At this point the band starts playing music.) Oh, wow. I’m running out of time. Really quickly, I have a few more important people I can’t leave out. I’d like to thank Jon, Sam, Susie, Big Pete, Dame Judy Dench, Rihanna, Mark, Joe, Steve, Jane, Eve, other Eve, Albert Pujols, my tailor Pierre, my hairdresser Pierre, my housekeeper Pierre. Thanks to Lefty McGee, my pet iguana, Dom, Sammy Davis Junior, the Old Spice Guy, and Tim. I think that’s just about everyone. Thank you so much. This is such a great honor. (Walk off stage blowing kisses. It will pretty much guarantee you will be shown on the commercial for next year’s broadcast.)

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19 thoughts on “My Awards Acceptance Speech

  1. This was great! I know a good bit of those people who were out there tonight….gearing up for the show before hand, getting their hair and make up done….yes they were preparing speaches, unless they are Jim Carrey and they just say wtf…ill just wing it. Hey…i think you have a great speech prepared, hang onto it, you might need it one day.

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  2. Nathan…What if you are going to win an Oscar? I mean what would be your “Acceptance Speech”?
    Thanks for all the tips you have given.

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    • My acceptance speech would be exactly the same. I left it purposefully vague so it can work for the Golden Globes, Oscars, People’s Choice Awards, etc. I’m not going to write an individual speech for each one. I’m far too lazy.

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  3. I love funny acceptance speechs, so much better than rattling off a list of names of people no one knows or cares about. Come on, some XX billon of people are watching and you’re thanking your limo driver???? get a better speech writer. Enjoy always, T

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