Is This Goodbye, Twinkie? Say it Ain’t So…

The last couple of years have been rough for Americans. The stock market went down, unemployment went up. All over the country, homeowners were facing foreclosure.

While economists have been preaching the end of America’s dominance in the world and the death of the American dream, I have stood by, strongly. I have been relatively upbeat. Sure, our economy sucks and people in my generation have such low job prospects that large groups of them can spend months occupying Wall Street. Things could be worse, though. For instance, I haven’t heard new music from Creed in a while. That’s a major plus.

Today, though, I feel my positivity waning. The light at the end of the tunnel has dimmed. Hope is gone and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Today, Hostess declared bankruptcy.

Since 1930, Hostess has delivered delicious, preservative filled treats to our cabinets. From the spongy, crème-filled Twinkie to the delightful, crème-filled Cupcake all the way to the coconutty, crème-filled Sno Ball, Hostess has been there providing us with an unnatural amount of sugary crème filling.

Over time, these products have crept their way into our hearts as well as our stomach, waste, and butt areas. We can all remember a time when we bit into that waxy, Cupcake frosting and thought to ourselves, “Man, I hope this doesn’t give me diabetes.”

Now, though, our Ho Hos and Ding Dongs are in jeopardy. Sure, Hostess has said this will not affect the products that we have grown accustomed to pining for as we are forced to buy “healthy” foods because we’re “adults” and we need “vitamins.” A bankruptcy, though, is never a great thing. If Hostess goes under, what are we as Americans supposed to do? Turn our longing stares towards Little Debbie? I don’t think so.

That’s why we must save Hostess.

The problems facing Hostess started with a group we like to call the “health-conscious.”

For decades, people lived blissfully, filling every second of their day with Hostess treats. Then, completely unprovoked and for no reason, these jerks come in and start telling us not to eat these treats, instead suggesting we fill ourselves with nasty foods like apples and vegetables. What a bunch of turds.

Their reasoning was simple. Snack Cakes are unhealthy and have a whole bunch of refined sugar and preservatives. They argued that the amount of preservatives used in these foods was so great they would actually be able to survive forever.

Unbeknownst to those healthy-eating, exercising freaks, they have given us our biggest weapon in our attempt to save the Ho Hos. They have provided us with the element of fear.

As soon as the calendar flipped over and it became 2012, people began talking about one thing: the end of the world. Will we all die? Will the globe explode into a thousand pieces? Will we be forced to spend the rest of our lives in a bunker, fearing that we will die a terrible, fiery death if we dare venture out into the world?

When people head to their bunkers for possible apocalypses, they usually grab thousands of cans of beans. Beans, though, get old really fast. I’m tired of beans by the end of a serving. I don’t think I could do only beans, three meals a day for the rest of my life.

That’s where Twinkies come in. If they can survive anything, they are the perfect sweet treat for the paranoid amongst us. Just imagine the slogans:

“Twinkies: If you’re going to wait out the end of the world, might as well eat something delicious while you do it.”

“Ho Hos: A little chocolatey goodness while the world is destroyed.”

“Hostess: Helping you survive in style.”

The purchases from these ads would not only boost Hostess’ business, but could give them enough money to become one of the most powerful companies in the world (or what’s left of it). Of course, their sales will fall drastically in 2013, but there will always be other apocalypses to bring in the dough.

The other option is to give Hostess a makeover.

As it is now, Hostess foods are cute. They put cartoons on the boxes and make it colorful.

Cute does not sell.

What Hostess must do is change the entire perception of their product. Instead of that colorful box, make it completely black. The only word on the box: Twinkies. What?! Seeing that would blow my mind and would completely flip the attitude people have about Hostess.

Next thing you know, you have Jay-Z name checking Twinkies in a song. Scarlett Johansen shows up on the red carpet with a sleek Twinkie box at her side. Nothing is cooler than Twinkies.

Plus, Hostess has the dangers of refined carbohydrates working on their side. If we know anything about the world, we know that teenagers love to do dangerous stuff. It’s their favorite. If their parents tell them not to do something because it could kill them, they only want to do it more.

That’s why Hostess should plant stories in several leading publications saying that Twinkies can lead to immediate death. Suddenly, every teen in the world is sneaking around, spending their allowance on a box of Twinkies. Congress will start trying to outlaw Twinkies which will only make them more popular.

Yes, the last couple of years have been rough. Without the familiar spongy feeling of a Twinkie, the sweet taste of a Sno Ball, or the joy that comes from a fresh package of Donettes, it’s bound to get even rougher. Fortunately, this can be turned around. It’s not too late, Hostess. For the sake of our kids, our kids’ kids, and our kids’ kids’ kids, turn this around.

If you give up, the health-freaks win. We definitely don’t want that.

At least not until they find a way to make a carrot taste like chocolate. After that, we may be okay with it.

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17 thoughts on “Is This Goodbye, Twinkie? Say it Ain’t So…

  1. Hahaha! My favorite growing up was Hostess Ho-Hos. I heard the news. So very sad……
    Love your idea about playing up how bad they are for you. I agree that teenagers everywhere would start buying them illegally and selling them out of their lockers at school!

    Like

  2. Three score and ten. Let them go. It is the humane thing to do. Wash down the left over stock with a RED BULL… that is of course ‘all natural’.

    Like

  3. OmG, has anyone checked on Mark, at the Idiot Speaketh? He’s probably weeping. He has stories of his passion for Twinkies. He recently wrote a post dedicated to him hoarding them and yelling at his son for eating the last one…

    I better go over and see if his blog is playing Taps (with a box of kleenex)

    Sandi
    http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
    Lake Forest, CA

    Like

  4. As long as Tastykakes are still around, I’ll be just fine. (Tastykakes are what I like to call a “Philly Phood.” I don’t live there now, but I’m from there, and when I lived in the midwest for 16 years I cried with sweet, sweet joy when someone from back east brought a box – or a case – of Tastykakes. When last I left it, Kroger was actually selling them. Bottom shelf. On sale. All the time. Score.) But my first love’s dad is a delivery driver for Hostess. I hope he doesn’t have to jump to Little Debbie.

    That sounded wrong.

    Like

  5. I don’t think I could survive without Hostess goodies. Really…I need them…you hear that Hostess…can’t survive…help me…everything is fading to black…panic setting in now…

    Like

  6. Pingback: So Long My Friend (An Ode To Hostess) « The Life and Times of Nathan Badley…

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