I am not a fan of reality TV.
It’s not a fact I’ve been shy about. Nearly everyone I’ve ever met knows how I feel. If I could, I would hire a skywriter to broadcast it to the world. I would send out a mass email to all of the world’s people and all it would say is, “Reality TV is not very good!”
I feel like I’ve given it a fair shot. I watched the “reality” games like “Survivor.” They were all terrible and, for some reason, all lead to a person eating a rat. The singing competitions all insisted on butchering my favorite Beatles’ songs. (Note to “American Idol”- No one should EVER be allowed to sing “Eleanor Rigby.” They will only screw it up and, thus, anger me immensely.) “Keeping Up With the Jersey Shore Real World” almost instantly turned me into a mouth-breathing idiot.
Of course, there is always the exception. In the dark, dingy world of terrible TV, hidden deep behind all of “The Bachelor’s” and “Teen Mom’s” of the world, there lays a shining gemstone of a show. It rests there like the finest pearl hidden amongst the dingiest coal.
It is “Celebrity Wife Swap.”
I know what you’re thinking. “Celebrity Wife Swap” sounds like they took a crappy reality show and added “celebrities” to draw bigger ratings. You would absolutely be right. Despite this, though, this show manages to be the best reality show of all time.
Take last night’s episode as an example. Normally, wife swap is full of couples who are extreme opposites. One will be a bounty hunter motorcycle repairman and one will be the lead alto in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. For celebrity wife swap, they went a different direction.
They found the two craziest people on the planet Earth.
On one side you have Gary Busey. You might remember Gary Busey for voice acting in “Doctor Dolittle 3.” He is a crazy man who looks like a melting wax figure. He says things like “Drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling.” He is an excellent candidate for televised madness.
On the other side, you have Ted Haggard. Reverend Haggard spent many years preaching the word of the Lord on the TV. Then he decided he wanted to have sex with a male prostitute while high on crystal meth. For some reason, his preaching opportunities sort of dried up after that, so he has now turned to reality TV to get his much needed attention.
For an hour, you were able to witness the antics of Busey and Haggard. Haggard would spend time speaking of God’s desire for the lives of Busey’s family in a voice so soothing that it has drifted into incredibly creepy territory. Busey would spend time mumbling incoherently at Haggard’s incredibly nerdy kids.
At the end of the episode, the families finally reunited. Haggard continued to explain how he felt God had a plan for everyone (most plans do not involve crystal meth) and Busey continued to be crazy, stating “I am a church.” Both couples opted to not explain that Busey was not, in fact, a building of any type and was definitely not a religious organization. It’s best not to explain reality to Busey. It just confuses and scares him.
The only disappointment in the episode came at the end. After hearing about Busey’s craziness for years, the promise to his wife that he “Had a reeaaaallll special surprise for her” conjured up great images. Would it be a squirrel-skin jacket? How about a jar of pickled human fingers? When a crazy person has a surprise, it is definitely going to be good.
He went into the other room and brought out… a baby. No, not a random baby he had kidnapped. His own baby. Clearly Gary Busey does not understand the definition of ‘surprise.’
In a world of crappy reality TV, “Celebrity Wife Swap” is the crappiest. Therein lays the beauty. This show has become so bad it has circled back around to being good again. Sure, it isn’t good for the reasons the producer thought it would be, but being good for being bad is better than being nothing at all.
Next week, I fully expect to watch Carrot Top trade wives with the dog from “Frasier.” There’s no way I would miss it.
That is, unless there is an ACTUAL good show on. “Celebrity Wife Swap” may be great for reality TV, but that’s like being the smartest Kardashian.
By that, I’m saying it means nothing, just for the record.