Dear Santa Claus,
How are you? You may not remember me. I’m the one who left cookies and milk out for you last Christmas. I know a lot of people do that, but my cookies were really good. I wasn’t one of those jerks who left out Chips Ahoy and pretended they were doing you a favor. I bet getting store bought cookies is a huge slap in the face to you. If I were you, I would destroy those people’s presents on the spot.
I have been very good this year. Look at my track record. I have not fought anyone or broken any major laws. There was the time that I dropped a gum wrapper on the ground, but I swear that was an accident.
Anyway, I know it’s a little bit late, but I thought I would send you my Christmas list. After all, it is your job to get me these presents on the sole condition that I have been good. Since we all know that I have been beyond good, bordering on perfect, I should have no reason to think that I won’t get everything on this list.
To begin with, Santa, I would like world peace.
Hahaha! Of course I’m not serious about that. Can you imagine if I was? There’s no way your elves could pull that off. That is a very tall order.
No, I need a new car. I know, it’s selfish to ask for a car instead of world peace, but hear me out. I am currently driving a 1992 Ford Explorer. It leaks oil, transmission fluid, coolant, gasoline, windshield washer fluid, melting car parts, and, when I am driving it, my tears. It is a very sad car that is old enough to be in college right now.
Since I am a reasonable person, I don’t expect something outlandish like a Porsche from you. No, all I’m asking for is a brand new Ford Mustang. I’m not too picky, but it should be cherry red with chrome on every possible chroming area. It must be a convertible and should have all the features a person can dream of. Like I said, I’m not too picky, though, so you can skip the seat warmers if you must. Don’t skimp on the sound system, though. If I’m not able to blast Dr. Dre as I navigate through traffic, it is the most worthless car of all time.
Secondly, I could really use a robot assistant. I am a very busy person, so a robot assistant would be unbelievably helpful. Everyone knows that robot assistants are the best kind of assistants. They will do whatever they are asked without question. Plus, they make that fun beeping sound. Beep-bop-boop!
Of course, this robot would need to be able to develop the ability to love. That is a deal breaker. A robot who can’t develop the ability to love is just a cold, heartless human being. It would be like having a robot-me around, and that doesn’t sound all that great.
Thirdly and lastly, I would like whatever it is that makes those Kardashian’s amazing business people. I mean to think that a family with no discernible talent would be able to make millions off of that lack of talent! I have very little talent as well, so I feel like I should be able to open a clothing boutique and sell a signature perfume just as easily as they can.
I will be leaving out more great cookies this year since you are getting me such great presents. How do you feel about fresh snickerdoodles?
Of course, remember that I decide what cookie you feast on. If I don’t get everything on this list, you will pay, Santa. You’ll be forced to enjoy generic Oreo’s and a glass of lukewarm water in 2012. I’m not bluffing, so don’t make me do it.
P.S. Tell the elves I say hi. Then make a short joke at their expense for me. I’m sure they’ll laugh hysterically.
- Jesus and Santa Claus (crossexaminedblog.com)
- Treats for Santa and his Reindeer (colesonline.com.au)
- Our Visit With Santa at the North Pole! (uglyducklingtransformations.wordpress.com)
- Justin Bieber Never Believed In Santa Claus (inquisitr.com)
- Dear Santa… (outofoffice.fedex.mediacdt.com)
- Sunday Funny: Peeking into Santa’s Mailbag (roxieh.wordpress.com)