Christmas Music: A Holiday Plague

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a very big fan of the Christmas season. What’s not to like? You get presents, people at least try to be nice to each other, and fat old men are revered instead of ridiculed. It sounds like pure bliss to me.

Unfortunately, this season has a dark underbelly to it.

It has Christmas music.

I know at some point in my life, I liked Christmas music. I know I enjoyed listening to the Chipmunk’s Christmas songs. It was so long ago that I have completely forgotten about it, but I know that time existed. 14,000 Mannheim Steamroller songs later, though, I am done with it. I want Rudolph’s stupid red nose cut off. I want Frosty to melt. I want Christmas to be a silent holiday.

I know this is a very Grinchy thing to say. Trust me, I’m very aware that screaming “Bah Humbug” at carolers is considered rude and that questioning why I’ve heard Bruce Springsteen’s version of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” every hour for the last two weeks is frowned upon, but I can’t hold my dislike of Christmas music back anymore. It’s been building up for 24 years and it has reached a boiling point.

I realized just how much I dislike Christmas music this last weekend. As I wandered into Wal-Mart, I was greeted by a choir in front of the door. They were raising money for the Salvation Army, a very noble cause, and their red bucket was kept busy as people passed by.

As a treat for the donators, this choir would delight them with song. They would delight them very loudly. This would be done directly into the passerby’s ear, lest a person make it into the store with hearing intact.

JINGLE BELLS!!! JINGLE BELLS!!!!” they scream/sang at me as I walked by. It was like being smacked in the face by a festive sledge hammer. “JIIIIINGGGLLLEEE ALLLLLLLL THE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!”

Escaping into the store, I thought I had escaped. Suddenly, over the loud speakers, I heard it.

“Saaaanta Baaaby, slip a sable under the tree for me,” sang one of the millions of female singers that have ever existed. It seems everyone has a version of this song floating around iTunes. A short list of singers who have covered this song include Taylor Swift, Madonna, Shakira, Marilyn Monroe, Eartha Kitt and Kellie Pickler, but there’s definitely a million more. It’s as if a guy walks around with a microphone and just records anybody who happens to sing a couple lines of this song. If you looked, there might even be a version by you for sale that you didn’t even know you recorded.

I withstood all of the Christmas cheer that blasted over the loud speakers as I made my way through the store. On a distant aisle, a Christmas decoration played “Frosty the Snowman.” I could picture the stupid plush snowman bouncing along with the beat, his fat snow belly coming to life at the push of a button.

After only a few minutes, I was ready to go. I ran from the sound of the toy. Over the sound system, another in a long line of ladies bragged to Santa about not kissing a bunch of guys, which, I guess, is what a very promiscuous lady would point out in her letter to Santa. Even the choir’s bellowing did nothing to slow me down.

“Merry Christmas!” shouted one of the choir members as I passed. Of course, all I heard was a high pitched squeal as my eardrums had been rendered useless by the choir’s volume. He might have shouted, “Hey bozo! You smell like feet!” for all I know.

Christmas is in 11 days. For the next 11 days, I will be locked in an undisclosed location (my apartment), avoiding all holiday related sound. I won’t have to spend time wondering if there is another type of bell besides “jingle” or try to figure out what game it is reindeer like to play (It’s canasta).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that all I want for Christmas is for everyone to shut up, especially if you’re in front of a Wal-Mart entrance.

Bah frickin’ Humbug.

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11 thoughts on “Christmas Music: A Holiday Plague

  1. I hear you… Perhaps if I had all my shopping safely done and wrapped and no essays to do or stress I could handle a few Christmas songs in a smug kind of way. I think they add an almost comical pressure, they MOCK you in shops when you are desperately trying to find something, anything for your brother, dad, friend you haven’t seen since last year.

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  2. I love Christmas music…even more since I’ve been making my own lyrics to popular Christmas songs. I’m hoping to hear some drunk guy singing “Grandma Got Run Over By Some Raingear” or “Frosty the Stoned Man” on Youtube some day.

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  3. Pingback: Xmas Light Shows « odd little rants

  4. Yep. I’m (belatedly) with you on this. Hate ’em.
    Though sometimes I like to listen to them in the middle of summer. In a heatwave. Which we in the UK get… occasionally.

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