“Top of the morning, Reginald,” said the first man, tipping his top hat in Reginald’s direction.
“Indeed it is, William” said the second man, pausing when he realized this was an inappropriate response to “Top of the morning.” He was always making social errors like that, and that is why people called him “Big Stupid Reggie.” British people can be very hurtful.
“Say, dear friend, do you perchance have this evening free?” William asked, taking a bite of his crumpet and a sip of his tea.
“Why, I believe I do,” answered Reginald. Not used to being invited to parties, he tried to play it cool, but inside he had a whole bunch of butterflies in his tummy. It was like a full butterfly flock in there. “I will have to ask Elizabeth to guarantee such a bold statement, but…”
William interrupted Reginald, an act that is considered especially heinous in foggy London town. Reginald let it slide, though, hoping that William would notice how cool and laidback he was and ask him to be his BFF. “Would the two of you like to attend a soirée at my flat? I will be having fish and chips, lager, and a great deal of dry wit.”
A smile crept over Reginald’s face. An invitation! Huzzah! Quickly, he searched through the annals of his mind to find something to say. If he were able to craft a great phrase, he might no longer be a huge loser and giant social outcast. “Why, yes, I do believe I would like to attend such a gathering. We shall be there with bells on!”
What our dear friend Reginald has done here is create a phrase that, for some reason, has stood the test of time. He has declared that he will “be there with bells on” even though he has no intention of wearing bells.
This phrase is definitely towards the top of my list of obnoxious sayings. What does it mean to say you’ll be there with bells on? Are you planning on wearing a reindeer harness or one of those ugly Christmas sweaters with tiny, obnoxious bells sewn onto the front?
In fact, no one EVER wears bells after saying this. No one ever says, “I’ll be there with bells on- literally!” This is because people do not wear bells.
Now, if a cow were to say this phrase, this would make perfect sense. Cows do frequently wear bells. It is one of the only items of clothing a cow is given. Unfortunately, cows also lack the ability to speak, so it would come out, “MOOOOOOOOO.” That is not the same thing at all.
In fact, there are only two occasions that this phrase makes sense for humans.
For example, you go to an interview at a high end clothing boutique called “Bell’s Beauties.” The interview goes well and, since the candidate before you was so nervous that he peed his pants, you are almost guaranteed the job.
After an hour of talking to Beatrice Bell, the owner of the boutique, you are offered the position and told to report there on Monday. Now, naturally, you don’t want to wear Old Navy to Bell’s Beauties. You need to wear the appropriate clothing.
“I’ll be there with Bell’s on,” you could say. In this situation, you wouldn’t look like a complete idiot.
The other situation is you are actually wearing bells. In this case, you are warning people you will be wearing bells. If you don’t, they might think they are about to be jumped by a gang of housecats every time you walk behind them. Since they know you have chosen to wear bells, they do not need to worry about cat attacks, eliminating one of mankind’s biggest fears.
Personally, I think the phrase is worn out. Everyone has heard this phrase and some people have even said it. It’s time to find something new to say.
That’s why, from this day on, I will no longer be arriving at places “with bells on.” Starting today, I only arrive places “with sandwich in tow.”
Sure, the first few times I say it, people might think I am bringing them a sandwich. This will, obviously, not be the case. If they want a sandwich, they should make one themselves. I’m not their manservant.
“Why did you say you were bringing a sandwich?” people will ask.
“I didn’t. I said I will have sandwich in tow,” I’ll respond, rolling my eyes so they know they’re being stupid for not understanding.
“Right… so there is no sandwich?”
“No,” I’ll say, using my tone of voice to imply that they may be the dumbest human being on the face of the Earth. “It’s just a phrase.” Then, I might add a “DUH!” just for good measure.
After I explain that “It’s just a phrase,” sandwich in tow will catch on and catch on big. Before you know it, I’m the next Reginald. I mean because I came up with a phrase, not because I’m a big stupid oaf who can’t handle public situations. My phrase will be a worldwide phenomenon and I will branch out with merchandise.
I guess what I’m saying is keep your eyes peeled for a “With Sandwich in Tow” t-shirt. When you see them, buy ten to twenty of them. I could really use the money. Plus, this phrase is the best things since sliced bread.
Don’t even get me started on that phrase.