I have a lot of pet peeves.
I have so many pet peeves that I should have a peeve zoo. I spend a fortune on Peeve-kibble for all of these pet peeves. I am the Doctor Doolittle of pet peeves.
The fact is that I have the number of pet peeves a 90-year-old man could have. I might as well spend my days standing on my front porch, screaming at anyone who dares to touch my front lawn and hollering about the level that the neighbor kid’s pants often hang.
Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’m irrational and should let some of these pet peeves go, set them free into their natural peeve environment.
More likely, though, it is all other people’s fault. People can be incredibly obnoxious.
I guess I can’t entirely blame people. They don’t know when they are doing something that is setting off my peeve-alert. They are just innocently going about their life, unaware that what they have said or have done makes them public enemy number one in my book.
Most of these peeve violations are incidental. Nevertheless, they have same effect as banging two pans together right next to my head.
For instance, there are people who say that they “could care less” about something. This is supposed to be an insult meaning that this particular thing is the last thing they are thinking about. That is what it means when you say you “couldN’T care less,” but saying that you could care less means that this particular subject is not the least important thing to you. For example:
“What would you like for dinner?”
“I could care less.”
“So you might have some sort of opinion about the subject?”
“Yes, because the thing I care the least about right now is the current value of Abraham Lincoln’s socks. I really couldn’t care less about that.”
See how easy it is?
What about people who say that they need to “itch” their back? You need to itch your itch? Is that what you are planning on doing? That sounds like a good way to make that particular itch even less pleasant. Now, since you have itched it, you have doubled the itchiness that this particular itch possesses. It is a super-itch that is likely to take over the world, forcing all of mankind into some sort of itchy slavery. If only you had scratched that itch like a human being should do, we would all be safe.
Thanks a lot for itching it, you jerks.
Recently, I have discovered a brand new pet peeve. This one is difficult to explain, but for whatever reason, I feel a great deal of hatred for this.
I hate when people call me “buddy.”
I can’t really explain why this irritates me so much. I can’t realistically expect people to all know what my name is unless I constantly wear a nametag. I’ve never been a fan of nametags (ask my mother), and so that is not even an option.
When people call me buddy, I understand they are just addressing me in a way that is name-neutral. It doesn’t matter, though. If I were about to be hit by a bus and a man said, “Hey, buddy! Look out for that bus,” I would be grateful that he saved my life, but I would still be annoyed with him.
Here are things I would rather be called:
For some reason, all of these would be miles ahead of “buddy” on my list.
My biggest pet peeve, though, will never be beaten.
I hate vanity license plates.
I know you feel a need to express yourself, but a license plate seems like a strange choice. In the past two weeks, I have seen license plates that said the following:
Lv2nap (Love To Nap): This is a great license plate if you want people to worry that you are falling asleep behind the wheel.
Crvyqt (Curvy Cutie): It’s nice that you have great self-esteem. Thanks for sharing that with the rest of us.
Gojhwks (Go Jayhawks): Great! You support your alma mater KU Jayhawks! If you didn’t have that license plate, I would have never known that. What a great day of discovery!
Not only is this an obnoxious form of self expression, but I would imagine it makes car accidents significantly more likely. It’s hard to concentrate on the road when you are deciphering “i89stks.” (I ate nine steaks)
These are all reasons why I am volunteering to be the first man to live on the moon. If I am the first moon settler, I will not have to deal with any of these things. When people come up and annoy me, I’ll just whisper, “That’s not how we do it here,” and they’ll be so ashamed of their cultural faux pas that they will never do that thing again.
Goodbye Earth! It’s been a blast, but I have better things to take care of.
I have to create the first peeveless society. It’s just like the Earth, but it makes me want to scream less.