We men are a very skittish group. Sure, we like to act all tough. We like to pretend we’re a combination of John Wayne and Chuck Norris, but inside we have the valor of a three year old girl, and, often times, even less bravery than that.
Due to this, one of the biggest stereotypes of men is our fear of commitment, and rightly so. Men are afraid that, should they settle down, they will eventually witness things like their partner farting or the dreaded wearing of the sweatpants, both signs she is no longer attempting to appear attractive to you.
This will always happen.
On the other hand, when women commit, they are forced into a relationship with a walking gas leak whose main form of communication involves grunting and scratching. As much as women may stop trying, men are ten times worse. Why do you need to waste money on flowers, candy, or gifts of any kind? You’re already married; that was the goal, after all.
With this happening, there is no wonder the seven year itch exists.
For those uninitiated with the term the seven year itch, it has nothing to do with a literal itch. If you have an itch for seven years, please stop reading this and immediately see a doctor.
After seven years, many married couples begin to realize that the person they married has become less of a person and more of a disgusting burden on their life.
There are a few options. One is to continue with the marriage, hoping that the other person will become less disgusting or you will learn to like their new unkempt, “I just rolled out of bed, forgot to shower, then dumped some sort of food on my shirt” look. Secondly, you can hire a hitman. This is always a bad option. Don’t ever choose this one.
Lastly, and the option that is becoming the most popular, you can divorce them.
Yes, divorce is becoming a very popular activity all over the world. In America, divorce is now ranked second in popular activities, behind deep frying things but just ahead of making jokes about deep frying things.
How can this be combated, you ask? The only solutions I can dream up involve tar, feathers, and guillotines, but that seems very 1400’s. No one would go for that in this age of modern conveniences like iPads and cotton-polyester blends.
Fortunately, China has come to the rescue yet again.
Since 2004, the divorce rate in Beijing has doubled. China, seeing this as a major issue, put their top brains on the problem and have come up with the best solution anyone could dream up.
Let the post office solve it.
Now, when a couple gets married in Beijing, they have the option of writing a letter to their loved one and sending it to the post office. The post office will then, exactly seven years later, deliver it to the loved one, thus reigniting the spark that started it all and, most likely, getting you out of chores for the next couple of days.
This is the best idea China has had since they came up with lead flavored toothpaste. With the existence of email, text messaging and Facebook, no one writes letters anymore. There really is nothing for the post office to do, so this will keep all of those postal workers occupied.
Plus, what better way is there to bring a little passion back into a romance than with the written word? That’s why I have written a letter for my wife that I will give her on our seventh anniversary:
Dearest wife of mine,
You are pretty. I like that about you. I can’t wait to see how much prettier you are in seven years because there is no way looks can go downhill as you age.
With that said, I have written a poem.
Roses are red, violets are blue…
No, they are actually violet, hence the name “violet.”
Anyway, you’re pretty cool.
If that isn’t the most romantic thing ever, I don’t know what is.
Of course, there is one hiccup that I don’t know if the Chinese post office has addressed.
Suppose, you get married. Then, only a year into the marriage, the spouse falls in love with a foreign Bavarian hunk of a man, leaving you alone with the Pomeranian she made you buy because it’s little ears were “just toooooooooo cute.”
For years, the Bavarian man’s strong, muscular physique haunted your dreams, until finally, after all of this time, you are able to move on. You find a new wife, one who hates Bavarian men, and you are happy.
Then, the letter arrives in the mail. You are reminded of your first failed marriage and start drinking a lot, all alone, in a dark room. To make matters worse, you never told your second wife about the first wife because you blocked out that painful memory. Now she thinks you have a second family somewhere.
Is there a secondary letter that is sent to any new spouse that might be around explaining that you don’t really have a second family? Also, does the post office offer counseling for people who are destroyed by the arrival of this letter? If not, the Chinese suicide rates might jump.
Of course, they have seven years to figure that out. Why waste time thinking about it now?
And, America, you might as well do this too. Your divorce rates are not so hot either. What’s the worst that could happen?
Oh, yeah. That whole suicide thing I was talking about earlier. Well, that’s still less scary to men than those sweatpants.
Sweatpants are the definition of terrifying.