Well, it’s time to say goodbye to Charlie Sheen. Best known for roles as Charlie B. Barkin in “All Dogs Go To Heaven II” and Charlie Harper on “Two and a Half Men,” as well as absolute nut job Charlie Sheen in “The Life of Charlie Sheen,” the 45 year old has gone on to that great coke den in the sky.
This comes only days after the late Hugh Hefner kicked the bucket, no doubt murdered by one of his 3,256 girlfriends in a fit of jealousy.
Sure, these two may deny that they are dead, but the internet says otherwise.
It seems that every month a new death rumor spreads across the internet. From Will Ferrell dying in a hang gliding accident (RIP) to Justin Beiber being presumed dead because of a 14 hour absence from Twitter, celebrities are shuffling off of this mortal coil left and right. It’s a virtual epidemic of celebrities dying.
At least an epidemic of lies about them dying.
Hearing that you have died must be a very surreal experience. I’m sure that some of these people sit there, arguing with the website that has reported their death, screaming “No I’m not! I’m alive! I’m supposed to be on Leno tomorrow night, so I can’t be dead!”
After a while of screaming and tweeting “Srsly guys, I’m NOT DEAD!!!!! #ididntreallydielikepeoplethink,” eventually the celebrities have to realize they are in an exclusive club.
They are in the living-dead celebrity club.
With this club, you receive several things. For instance, have you ever read The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and, when you got to the part where Tom and Huck fake their own death and attend their funeral, thought that would be pretty cool? Well, you get to read hundreds of obituaries from commentators on the internet news site you are currently reading. Reactions to your death can range from “He always seemed very funny and great to be around. RIP.” to “Who cares that this person died? They were the worst person on earth, they were never funny, I want to thank them for doing the planet a favor and going away.”
As if that were not enough, you now have the chance to start over. If Hugh Hefner had wanted to, the minute his death rumor came out, he could have moved away, assumed a new identity and lived the mild mannered life of a pastry chef in Akron, Ohio just like he has always dreamed of doing.
You could even just lay low for a while and watch a huge spike in sales of your movies/music/books just like Elvis and Tupac did (You can’t fool me. I know they never died). You’ll be rich AND able to go out in public without a huge swarm of paparazzi. Plus, you get to see what actor they choose to play you in a tell-all biopic (Odds are it will be James Franco. That guy does everything).
In fact, these arguments are so convincing that I think I want my own death rumor.
Those were the last words of Nathan Badley before he fell out of the World War I biplane he was flying. As you can see, he went out doing what he loved: making fun of things while doing barrel rolls like the Red Baron.
He will be terribly missed.
Oddly enough, his estate has found enough manuscripts to publish for the next 50 or so years, so be sure to honor his memory by purchasing anything that comes out with his name on it. It’s what he wants…I mean would want.