Congratulations, Your Marriage Proposal Looks Pretty Darn Good Now

Diamonds are forever, much like a Twinkie. Those things could survive a nuclear holocaust.

I remember my marriage proposal like it was yesterday. It was dark outside because that is usually what happens at night here in Kansas. After having a dinner that I cooked myself (I am an excellent cook), I pulled out a ring a proposed. She mentally went through her pros and cons list and, fortunately, the pros won out 27 to 25.

Most wedding proposals I have heard about go like this. There is usually laughter and smiling and crying and screaming. It actually seems a bit boring and overdone.

That is why I was so happy to hear about this proposal.

Roy Williams, a wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, decided to woo a former Miss Texas named Brooke Daniels. Mr. Williams was very smitten with her because, amongst other reasons, she is a beauty pageant winner.  Hubba hubba!

Since Daniels had no interest in Roy Williams, he felt sad, dejected even. But like any athlete would do in his situation, he became competitive. He turned his wooing up to ten, the highest number a wooing knob can be turned to, and went at her with the big guns.

He was going to propose.

First step: buy a $76,000 ring. That is a smart move. There is no way a lady can turn down a star athlete like Roy Williams WITH a huge diamond ring. It shows he loves her a great deal. Also, it shows her he earns a lot of money. I’ve heard women like that.

Williams then did the most romantic thing any man can do. He mailed the ring to her along with money to cover her dental bills. In this care package, Williams included a videotaped proposal, because nothing says “I Love You” like a prerecorded message.

I wish I had thought of this when I proposed. Proposing in person can be awkward. You have to ask yourself whether you drop down on one knee, whether you remembered the ring, whether the light is bright enough to see that the ring does actually exist but still dark enough to hide the black spots in the middle of the diamond. It’s enough to make a man go crazy.

Williams, though, was smart about it. In this type of proposal, you can record your message as many times as you like. Just watch it once you’re done, say “Oh, I have a booger hanging out of my nose,” then do it again.

When Daniels received the package, she gasped and then collapsed onto her fainting couch like women are prone to do in such a situation. They were married the next day and they lived happily ever after.

The End.

 

 

 

Nope. I’m sorry about that. I just assumed she said yes. It turns out she was already involved with another man and thought it was crazy that he had done something like this. I totally misread that story.

Daniels was kind enough to hang onto the ring for Williams, though, because that is just the kind of lady she is. Since Williams has more than enough money, he decided to let her keep it. There was no way he was going to embarrass himself more by asking for it back.

 

 

 

I was wrong again. He asked for it back, she said she lost it, he said she didn’t, her dad said he had it, and Williams sued.

Confucius once said, “Man who makes absentee proposal is man who dies alone.” (Not a real quote) Williams has proven this to be true.

Was it the worst proposal idea ever? No. He could have sent her a Facebook message or text. He could have tweeted his proposal to her: “@roywilliams would like @brookedaniels 2 b my wife. U N? #awesomeweddingproposals.” He could have even forgotten to put in his proposal video, just mailing her a ring and money for her annual teeth cleaning. That would have been horrible.

This was a pretty terrible proposal, though. He didn’t even send it FedEx, which is decidedly more elegant than the United States Postal Service. If he constantly does things like this, he’s lucky she ever even spoke to him.

So, lesson learned, Roy Williams. We now know how not to propose. That is one of the two great lessons you have given us.

The other is to propose to a girl who actually likes you. That usually makes a ‘yes’ much more likely.

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5 thoughts on “Congratulations, Your Marriage Proposal Looks Pretty Darn Good Now

  1. Williams sounds like a retard and Daniels is definitely a “ring digger.” You’re right men need to propose to women who actually “like” them and do some background check to make sure she isn’t already “bumpin’ uglies” with someone else.

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  2. It’s too bad Williams didn’t come to me first. I proposed the exact same way that he did, except without any ring at all, and my deliriously happy wife and I will be heading to the Mandarin Buffet this coming Labour Day to mark our 16th anniversary. The trick to a successful video proposal is to pop out the “do not overwrite” tab from the cassette before firing it into the mailbox.

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  3. I don’t think I could consent to marry any man willing to spend 76K on a ring; this shows a terrible grasp of financial responsibility. Wide receivers don’t play pro football for 20 yrs, so he will need to save his money for the knee and concussion injuries he sustains that will necessitate physical therapy and chiropractor visits well into his Medicare years. Has he not learned from Troy Aikman, reduced to doing Wing Stop commercials? Give me a $5K ring, tithe $7K to a church, and invest the rest. Then I would say yes.

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