Who doesn’t love the refined game of tennis? There is nothing quite like the opportunity to get out on that court in you classy white outfits and hit the ball over that net. It’s very elegant and simple, the ideal sport for the rich.
Oh, and then there’s the sounds. That’s really the great part.
The Championships at Wimbledon are happening even as we speak. At this point in time, you can almost guarantee that someone in Wimbledon is grunting. Not grunting gently and gracefully, but more like a person who decided to participate in natural childbirth despite their low tolerance of pain.
If you were to mention women’s tennis to a normal layperson they would most likely talk about “Those Williams sisters” and the grunting.
If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, here is a transcript of a recent telecast of a women’s tournament:
Announcer: And Serena will be serving the ball…
Serena Williams: UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Announcer: Sharapova with the backhand….
Maria Sharapova: EEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!
The transcript goes on like this for two hours.
If a person did not know any better, they would assume they were experiencing a World War II battle. Instead, it’s two ladies hitting a yellow ball back and forth.
This creates a great deal of humor for spectators. I would imagine that the stands at Wimbledon are filled with grunt jokes.
Worried about losing fans due to the threatening dinosaur sounds, though, the tournament officials are threatening to crack down.
Recently tennis officials announced that the grunting from Victoria Azarenka (yes that’s a real person) reached 95 decibels mid match. That is the volume of a motorcycle. That is loud for a human being.
(Sidenote: How weird would it be to be the person who is given the job of measuring the grunting volume.
“We’re going to need you to take this decibel meter down out Wimbledon.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Well Jones, it’s quite simple. We need to know how loud the women are grunting.”
“How loud they’re grunting?”
“If you don’t think you can handle this, Jones, we’ll give the job to somebody else. I didn’t figure measuring women’s grunting would be such a hang up…”
“No, no. I can do it boss.”
“Good. And when you’re done with that, why don’t you march on over to the next golf tournament and check up on their grunting. I hear that Phil Mickelson is getting out of control.”)
Because of this, there is active talk about banning the grunting from all tennis matches.
Of course there are dangers associated with that. First off, if they aren’t grunting, who knows if they can even still hit the ball. The grunting might be the one thing that keeps them focused. It would be a pretty crappy tournament if everyone kept whiffing on their backhands.
Secondly, I have always assumed the grunting also served as security. Wimbledon is outdoors, so you would think eventually a rich person would have a bird poop right on their head. It hasn’t happened yet, most likely because the terrifying predatory grunting has been scaring the birds away. Without it, though, imagine the terror.
My biggest worry is that, while holding in their grunts, the women will clinch their jaws so tight that it will do permanent damage, leading female tennis stars having to undergo lengthy and dangerous jaw replacement surgeries.
If you don’t like tennis grunts, just don’t watch tennis. Or watch it on mute. It’s not like the color commentary is that insightful anyway. We get it. Her backhand shot went over the net. Yippee.
Plus, if you watch it on mute, you can listen to your tennis iTunes playlist at the same time. That’s called an ideal situation.
Besides, it could be worse. We could be listening to bowlers grunt.
Now that wouldn’t be refined at all.