The hunt is on.
Currently, Los Angeles is full of television executives combing every square inch of their studio trying to find the right person. The candidate must have a certain level of snarkiness combined with a willingness to ignore all of their nagging artistic principles for a paycheck.
They will be asked to fill one of the biggest holes in American culture. Who can bring what is missing to a hit show? Who can provide the comedic insight necessary to entertain millions of Americans? Who can manage to show up on set and successfully read lines off of a script, sometimes with words that have multiple syllables? Who has the abilities necessary to fill these shoes?
Who can replace Charlie Sheen?
You might recall that, in a non-drug fueled rage (and by this, I mean a whole lot of drugs), former Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen acted like a dummy and insulted his bosses. These bosses responded by saying, “I guess we won’t give you $40 million next season,” with no regard to the effect that taking Sheen’s money away would have on the hooker and drug industries, thus furthering our economic woes.
Since Two and a Half Men is a TV show that caters to a large percentage of people watching TV, also known as the people who would currently like to avoid thinking, it has terrific ratings. Because of this, CBS thought, “Let’s take out one of the men, throw in a different man, and put it back on. No one will notice as long as there are still 2.5 men on the show. Then we can all go by private helicopters with the money we make. Yea! Helicopters!”
This created a major dilemma, though. Who is a full man that could be added to the other 1.5 to make 2.5?
After looking outside the building for someone attractive enough to be on network TV, the executives were stumped. After all, if you can’t find a suitable candidate in 10 minutes of looking, what chance do you stand of finding anybody?
That’s when everyone got their cell phones out and scrolled through their contacts to see who they might have that could brainlessly deliver lines well enough for people to forget to change the channel.
The first name that popped up was Hugh Grant.
You might know Hugh Grant from every movie in the nineties that you didn’t want to go to but your wife or girlfriend made you. Or, if you are a female, you might know him from every movie that made your male companion roll his eyes and pretend to shoot himself in the head just by mentioning the title.
When asked, Grant said, “Yeah, okay. I like money.” He was mere seconds away from signing the contract when he remembered that he was Hugh Grant, a sex symbol who did not belong on network television. Besides, there might be another Bridget Jones to film. You have to keep your schedule open for that kind of thing.
Now, rumors are flying that the new star will be Ashton Kutcher. Besides being married to Demi Moore, he doesn’t seem to have a lot going on, so this might happen. He is sure to bring a level of class and acting prowess to the show that only a star from That 70’s Show could provide. By that, I mean more fart jokes. Since everyone loves fart jokes, the show should last another 30 seasons with Kutcher on it.
Of course, the low cost option that they clearly haven’t considered is Sheen. No, not the actual Charlie Sheen. A cardboard cutout of Sheen. If you can attach a glass of scotch to his hand and figure out a way to work his mouth like a strange flat puppet, you would have the same quality of programming at $40 million less a season. Plus, there is a significantly lower chance of this Sheen starting an obnoxious Twitter following.
Hopefully, CBS can iron out this issue quickly and efficiently. Otherwise, what will entertain me on Monday nights?
Actually, probably anything else. Never mind, CBS. Take your time.