The world is ending May 21st.
I’m sure right now, you are tempted to go read the latest article about Lindsay Lohan’s legal troubles and ignore everything I’ve just said. Well, don’t do it. This is way more important. Besides, she’ll have a new legal issue to read up on tomorrow.
A California based radio network has posted 1200 signs all across America warning of the coming Judgment Day. They’ve even had the courtesy to send people across the country to hand you a flyer that you will briefly glance at before laughing and throwing it on the ground. That’s just the kind of generous people they are.
The leader of this movement is 89-year-old Harold Camping, the network’s general manager. Camping is known for his deep voice (at least according to his Wikipedia page) and is a renowned biblical scholar who has, in his five decades of studies, read ALL the way through the Bible at least twice. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a Bible, but there are a lot of pages. That’s pretty darn impressive.
You may not know exactly what the rapture entails, as it has never happened before. We’re all just a bunch of rapture rookies sitting around waiting for a terrible apocalyptic sign like a giant volcano sprouting from the ground or huge winged beasts or the original lineup of Guns N’ Roses reuniting, only to skip the classics and head straight for “Chinese Democracy.”
Thank goodness Camping realized we won’t know what to be looking for, and was so kind as to line it all out for us.
According to Camping, starting 6 p.m. ET, the entire world will be shook by earthquakes, officially making it the worst Saturday night you’ve had since you were forced to go on that blind date with those conjoined twins. Sure, they were nice, but you had no idea which head to talk to and don’t even get me started on the goodnight kiss.
These earthquakes will end roughly mid-October. Somewhere in between May and then, the people that God decided at the beginning of time were his favorites will go to heaven. Everyone else will be stuck on Earth, now with massaging action.
The million dollar question on everyone’s mind is why does Camping know all of this? So many people are wondering this that it is one of many frequently asked questions on the radio network’s website, which has been inundated with questions such as “What signs precede Judgment Day?” and “How do I get a silky deep sonorous voice like Harold Camping?”
The main reason we should all trust Camping, though, is this isn’t his first rodeo.
In fact, Camping is an expert at predicting judgment day, having done an excellent job at predicting a previous judgment day in 1994. Sure, it didn’t quite happen, but the effort put into it was outstanding. There have been earthquakes since then, so you can’t say he was entirely wrong either.
Camping attributes his previous judgment day mishap to incorrect math on his part, but this time, he is sure he is right. He has gotten out his calculator, added everything up again, and come up with May 21st.
Now, of course I’m having a bit of fun at Camping’s expense today. He is just a kooky old man doing kooky things. It’s no different than what other old men say in between their hard candies and jigsaw puzzles. He just happens to be in charge of a large network of radio stations, so we hear what he has to say.
Will there be a rapture on May 21st? It seems highly unlikely. Will Camping continue to make crazy predictions based on his interpretation of Biblical passages? Of course he will. It’s his thing.
With all of that said, if there is an earthquake anywhere on May 21st, I’m going to feel really stupid. So, if anyone living near a fault line could do me a favor and just go crazy glue that bad boy together that would be great. It doesn’t have to be a great glue job, just good enough to last until the 22nd and prove that Camping has no idea when the world will end. Then we can all laugh together and remember the time we thwarted Camping’s plan for global destruction.
At least we can until the world ends in 2012. I really think those Mayans knew their stuff.
- Go ahead make plans for May 22nd…. (likepantsonamonkey.wordpress.com)
- Marketers of the apocalypse: Ad blitz warns of Judgment Day (talesfromthelou.wordpress.com)
- A Friendly Reminder That The World’s Ending in Two Weeks (redbeardedoctopus.wordpress.com)
- An Interview With The People Behind the May 21st Rapture Campaign (scotteriology.wordpress.com)