The Perfect Mother’s Day Gift

Attention gentlemen! We have a code red! Red alert! Sound the Alarms!

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.

Right now, your eyes are darting across the room looking for anything that could pass as a suitable Mother’s Day gift. Your heart is rapidly speeding up, which might be an after effect of the 14 cups of coffee you had this morning, but it most likely has to do with the fact that you forgot about Mother’s Day. Again. Just like you do every year.

If you go to the store right now, there are hundreds of men wondering the aisles trying to figure out what to get for their mom. In fact, if a genius Wal-Mart general manager picked any random product in the store and hung a sign over it that said “Perfect For Mom,” there would be a mass stampede to that very display.

Why waste time going to the store? It’s crowded, full of obnoxious kids, and you always get in the checkout line behind the person that has a pile of coupons the size of Mount Kilimanjaro. Just stay home and use one of these terrific ideas:

-Macaroni Necklace: It’s a timeless classic that your mom loved every single time you gifted her with one of these fine handcrafted pieces of jewelry. Yes, you are a bit older than you were then, but she’s not going to say anything bad about it. Criticizing gifts is rude, and your mom is anything but rude.

-A Star: You see ads on TV saying to buy someone their very own star. What would be better? Personally pick the star out yourself. Just go outside, take a picture of any star that catches your fancy, name it, and give it to her. It saves you the money and its more personal.

-Your wife’s cat: Now that you have aged and moved away from your mother, she is sure to miss your companionship. She needs something to heap all of her love and affection on, and what better object to heap on than an animal. To make even more meaningful, give here your wife’s cat. She’ll think you are giving away your “beloved” “family member,” all for her happiness. You’ll also be happy because you won’t find hairballs in your shoes anymore.

-A Poem: Nothing is more meaningful to mom’s than poetry. Here is a general template for you.

Mom
You are______
When I ______
You are_______
When I can’t_______
You are_______
When I need______
So I love you
_________________

If you fill in the blanks with anything that rhymes, you are guaranteed to make her cry. I’m talking real tears here too.

-A Sandwich: Everyone likes a sandwich. What, your mom doesn’t eat?

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