Never Fear, Your Guide To Superpowers is Here

It’s a question that has plagued mankind for centuries. Plato and Socrates spent their entire lives debating this question. There is even a legend that the Thinking Man statue is deep in thought, longing for an answer to this question.

I am, of course, speaking of the age old question, “What is the best superpower?”

There is no stronger debate amongst mankind today.

Fortunately, I am here with your guide to superpowers. Choose at your own risk.

Super Strength

*Pros: You are definitely the strongest of your friends, pretty much clinching your position as captain of your company’s softball team. It is a given rule that anybody who can hit the ball more than a mile gets to be the captain.

 You also have a leg up in the gym. Instead of going in and looking like an idiot next to steroid-loaded gentleman to your right, you look superhuman, which you, of course, are. He just doesn’t know it.

 *Cons: Have you ever read Of Mice and Men? You know how Lenny is so strong he accidentally crushes living things to death? Major con.

 Invisibility

*Pros: You can pull the best pranks ever if your friends can’t see you. It is also very easy to steal things.

 *Cons: If you have a tendency to jaywalk, there is a good chance you’ll get hit by a car and die. Cars don’t usually brake for invisible people.

 X-Ray Vision

*Pros: It’s very easy to pass yourself off as a psychic doctor if you can diagnose heart disease before the patient even undresses. That is an easy way to make money.

 You also don’t have to waste time snooping around for presents around Christmas. Wait until they’re wrapped, and assuming the wrapping paper isn’t made of lead, you’re set.

 *Cons: Seeing everyone’s spleen. Do I need to say anything else?

 Flight

*Pros: You can save money from your car payment and gas if you don’t need either one.  Also, it is a great way to impress ladies on a first date.

 *Cons: Jet engines.

Super Speed

*Pros: You should be able to turn back time by running really fast, meaning you can stop your high school aged self from getting that stupid haircut everyone made fun of. That saves quite a bit on therapist bills.

 * Cons: Running that fast definitely would hurt your feet. You would need some killer insoles.

 Ability to Talk to Animals

*Pros: Um….this is a tough one…uh….

 I guess you can finally find out why your dog refuses to stop peeing on that rug…

 *Cons: Imagine coming across a donkey and it really does have Eddie Murphy’s voice like in Shrek. That would be one annoying donkey.

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19 thoughts on “Never Fear, Your Guide To Superpowers is Here

  1. What about mind reading? Not one that I’d like to have, unless you could turn it off and on at will. Heat vision would come in handy, especially on those pesky camping trips where the wood is wet, and for warming up leftovers.

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    • With heat vision, you could stop waiting that pesky two minutes for your microwave dinners to get done cooking.
      Mind reading would be good because you could read people’s minds. It would also be bad because you could read people’s minds. Sometimes you don’t want to know.

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  2. The ability to set oneself on fire… pro: you really are hot!
    con: always smelling of burnt hair… and people chucking buckets of water at you whenever you try to demonstrate.

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  3. If I could have any super powers, it would be Storm’s from X-Men. I think she has the best. I really love the outdoors and the beauty that comes about from weather. With her ability I can paint the sky with clouds, make a soothing rain, a fun and playful snow day, or just a beautiful day with a beautiful sky that’s perfect to be outside. Oh, and you can fly. Flying over all the world and seeing all it’s colors would be breathtaking.

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