Board Games: Please Don’t Make Me Play Them Ever Again

German 2nd Edition.

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I’m about to say something that will enrage the masses.

I hate board games.

Right now, you are seriously thinking about throwing your computer to the ground and hunting me down just to punch me in the face. I know this is your reaction because this is not the first time I’ve said this. In fact, I’ve said often enough it might be on my grave stone:

Nathan Badley 1987-2275

“I hate board games”

(Yes, by the way, I do plan on living 288 years. Most people my age think they’re invincible, so me limiting myself to less than three centuries is quite the step up.)

Now, I do have to step back for a second and say I don’t hate ALL board games. I like Risk and Monopoly. Really, any game involving some sort of strategy is at least mildly enjoyable.

Unfortunately, no one else seems to like games like this.

They like what I like to call embarragames. These are games whose sole purpose on this earth is to make the people playing them feel stupid by having them perform stunts that even a trained monkey would turn down.

These games often feature segments that make a person perform tasks such as acting out a movie title blind folded while a person hits them in the knee with a wiffle-ball bat. When a game comes down to who is able to sculpt dried out Play-Do into a to-scale replica of the Eiffel Tower fastest, I am not interested, thank you.

It seems that I have surrounded myself with people who like these games. A perfect example comes from my wife’s family.

Whenever we get together, a grand time is had by all. We laugh together, eat together, etc.

Then, someone suggests we play a game.

Suddenly I’m in the middle of the Thunderdome, fighting for my life. Anyone who doesn’t want to play is deemed a “pooper” (I’m still not sure how that is an insult. I’ve heard everybody poops.) and shunned for the rest of the evening.

This gives me two choices: either play the game or go find some sort of body armor because I may be beaten to a pulp for wimping out.

I do not have the correct competitive intuition to play these games with them. There is trash talking, taunting, and showboating, a skill that I do admire because showboating with a tiny plastic board game piece is not easy. If someone pulled a switchblade out and told their opponent to back away from the game board, I would not be all that surprised.

I try to stay quiet and away from most of the action, lest I have my arm ripped off.

It has almost become a challenge for people I know to try to get me to love their board game. “Nathan is coming over? Let’s get out ‘Dance Like You’re on Fire.’ He’ll love that one!”

I won’t.

When forced to participate in these games, at some point, all participants turn to me, their eyes expectantly looking for my approval of this game. My ratings range from “Ugh” (the lowest) to “I guess it’s okay” (the highest). More often than not, it receives a shrug.

I will continue to play these games, though. If I don’t, soon I will find myself in the position of the friend who is never invited to parties because he doesn’t participate. I do enjoy being around my friends, and, who knows, maybe I’ll even learn to enjoy these games.

I just need to develop a healthy love of looking stupid first.

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13 thoughts on “Board Games: Please Don’t Make Me Play Them Ever Again

  1. Ha! I HATE Monopoly. I LOVE games like Pictionary, Taboo, etc. Our family would make you play Battle of the Sexes! 🙂

    Oddly, my husband is so easy going and doesn’t care much about what game, but MAN, we cannot play Pictionary as a team. We rarely get upset with one another, but that game gets us so irritated at each other. He doesn’t move fast enough for me, and he likes to take his time drawing and hates me saying “COME ON, DRAW SOMETHING!” ack!

    Sandi
    http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com

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    • I have done Battle of the Sexes, and I find it incredibly unfair. The questions about men are things like, “What sport do the New York Yankees play?” and the women questions are, “If one is to poach an egg on a bed arugala and cover it with a cream based hollandaise sauce, what is this called?” It always makes me very mad.

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  2. I shrug at Monopoly because I usually end up bankrupt! hehe! I have a Cluedo set sitting in my room and I still have no idea how to play it!

    I used to love playing Pictionary,just so that I can laugh at people 😉

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    • I’m just not competitive enough for any game, really. When I was a kid, I played baseball, and while I enjoyed it, I did not care that much if I won. I just didn’t want to get hit with a pitch.

      Oh, and I have no idea what Cluedo is. I bet I would dislike it too.

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  3. I am a huge fan of Monopoly and Risk my friend. There is a game I was recently introduced to called “Settlers of Catan” which is like a combination of the two. Check it out, I think it will elicit more than a shrug.

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  4. what you describe are not “board games” they’re party games that lack anything worth making them a game, I highly recommend checking out games like settlers or ticket to ride for games which ACTUALLY involve strategy (ok ticket to ride, settlers is all about the luck of the dice)

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    • I assume you mean “Settlers of Cataan.” I have played and, honestly, don’t get the big deal. I feel like I should like it, but I don’t. Same with “Pit.” I just don’t get it. “Monopoly” and “Risk,” though, are where it’s at.

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  5. Reblogged this on The Life and Times of Nathan Badley… and commented:

    For the last few hours, I have been embroiled in a fierce Monopoly battle. Let me tell you, it has been one of the finest games of Monopoly that anyone has ever played. I was able to get Park Place or whatever it is called in Disney Pixar Monopoly very early. It’s probably Woody’s Hat or the old guy from UP! or something. I also took part in a four-way trade that gave three people a Monopoly. I helped gather the money from the bank off of the floor twice when it was knocked over and did not steal any money, though I wouldn’t admit either way until the statute of limitations runs out on it.

    As I stare at my wad of pastel money, I am reminded of the number of games I do not care for. There are a lot of them. Literally billions of them (By literally, I mean figuratively). It brings to mind an old post:

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