Weekly List: The Best Things About Valentine’s Day


Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. This, of course, means that you will be forced to hear many lonely single people complain. No need to worry, though. I have come up with a list of the best things about Valentine’s Day to combat their holiday negativity. This will allow you to spread the joy that is Valentine’s.

1. Conversation Hearts

Conversation Hearts are great for several reasons. They have a delightful chalky texture. It’s a lot like eating really good tasting tums. The main reason this is the best seasonal candy ever though is simple: they communicate. Name one other candy that is able to express itself as clearly as a conversation heart. Do you want that girl to call you. Give her a heart that says “Call Me.” Do you think that girl is cute? Give her a “You’re cute” heart. Would you like to tell your girlfriend that you really need your space and this isn’t really working out? The candy can’t really help in that situation, but what do you expect? It’s candy, not a conversational wizard.

2. Fat Babies

Most days, fat babies are ridiculed. Babies that look like they can be rolled down a hill are not only easy to make fun of, but they can’t even talk yet, so they can’t fight back. Valentine’s Day is their one day off. Not only do we celebrate fat babies, but we give them the gift of flight. It’s also the only day where infants are allowed to carry weapons.

3. Makes Anatomy Less Disgusting

Have you ever seen a picture of an actual heart? Have you seen a picture of a Valentine’s heart? One of those should make you want to puke. (If the Valentine’s heart is the one that makes you want to puke, you have some serious commitment issues. Consult a therapist immediately.)

4. Boxes of Chocolates

Chocolates are more fun in a box, not because you enjoy them more, but because you get to see your friend pick the one filled with pink nougat. Then you’re allowed to laugh at them while you eat the caramel filled chocolate they really wanted. This is definitely one of the meanest things about Valentines.

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