The Ultimate Guide to Valentine’s Day

A dangerous flying baby

Valentine’s Day is a mere four days away. In the hope of keeping every male reader out of trouble, I have come up with my own Cupid-worthy list, sure to make the woman in your life swoon and, most likely, give you kisses. Hooray for kisses!

1. Food
Every woman likes food. It’s a fact. Wait until your girlfriend, fiancée, wife, mistress, etc. is on a diet, then eat a burger and fries near them. I don’t know this for a fact, but I’ve heard that’s what really broke up Tiger Woods and Elin.
You have two ways to go here. Number one, spend a bunch of money to go to a restaurant you most likely won’t enjoy. This is beneficial if you are afraid you will get into a fight or if you are planning to break up with her. She will cry quietly in public, so a lot fewer people will cast judgment on you.
The better option is to cook for her. It saves you a lot of money, and you don’t have to listen to the waiter spout off all the specials. Like any one is going to order your wine basted oyster soufflé. Now go get me more water, waiter man!

2. Gifts
You have to get her a gift. It’s a given. If you forget about the gift, you have to hear about it for an entire year. If you’re thinking she’ll forget about it, she won’t. Women are like elephants in that way.

Here is a quick list of things to avoid:
-Appliances
-Clothes (You will always get a size too big. At that point you might as well just call her a tub of lard.
-An Xbox 360
-Coupons for hugs
-Wrestling tickets

What you have to do is suck it up and go into the sections of the store you hate: jewelry. I recommend following a woman around to see what she looks at. If she spends more than one minute looking at a single item, it must be perfect. Buy it.

3. The Card
Here is where you get to, creatively, show her how you feel about her. This is the biggest part of Valentine’s. Women hang on to these for years.
First, and I must stress this, she doesn’t want those Transformers valentines you saw. Optimus Prime is beastly, but he is not on the same level as a winged baby shooting arrows at people.
Find a card with a heart. Any heart. It doesn’t really matter. If you buy a card without a heart, you might as well buy the Transformers valentines.
You will want to write a nice little something inside the card for her. Avoid any mentions of how roses are red and violets are blue. You need something that tells how much you need her and how pretty she is. I have included a list of suitable messages.

-I need you in my life.
-You are very pretty.
-I need you in my life and you are very pretty.
-I need you because you are very pretty.
-You are prettier than all the other girls I’ve ever dated. They were nasty.
-I need you like the Cavs needed Lebron.

If you stick to the advice in these three sections, you should be set for Valentines Day. Good luck.

P.S. For the women reading, all we want is physical contact. Thank you.

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