Ladies and gentleman, the time has arrived yet again. You may have recognized it by the seemingly endless streams of people who seem to have no idea what they’re saying suddenly discussing whether Peyton Manning still has anything left in the tank or what Cam Newton will bring to the game. The biggest sporting event in the world (if you ignore 195 out of the 196 countries) has arrived.
It’s time for yet another Super Bowl! (Insert cheers and/or screams here.)
This 50th championship game will pit the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning, a quarterback who is roughly 178 years old and may be playing his last game, against the Carolina Panthers and Cam Newton, a much younger quarterback who seems to be hated by a large number of people. I personally attribute this hatred to the lack of pizza commercials he stars in, but I’m no sports marketing expert.
It should be a very exciting game. Or maybe it will be a boring one. I refuse to make any guarantees. Regardless, I will do everything I can to make sure you miss nothing throughout this most important of sporting events. Stay tuned.
2:47- I turn on the pregame show.
2:48- My wife declares that we have time to watch Saturday Night Live before the game starts. We then spend the next few minutes debating which should be watched. My point is that I literally just turned on the TV. Her point is “So what?”
2:52- I tell her that if she is going to watch SNL, she needs to do it now. She acts as if I am being unreasonable by letting her watch this. I spend the first half of the episode feeling confused and disoriented.
4:33- After a couple pauses, we get back to the pregame show. Larry King is discussing Peyton Manning’s tendency to call “Omaha!” while snapping the ball. I furiously begin Googling Larry KIng’s age.
4:34- It’s 82. The good news is he doesn’t look a day over dead.
4:40- Peyton Manning says he didn’t use any performance enhancing drugs. Judging by his recent performance, I believe him. (Insert rimshot here)
4:52- An expert predicts that Peyton Manning will have a “sufficient game.” He really should calm down on that hyperbole.
5:00- A bunch of celebrities share Super Bowl memories. At least that’s what it sounds like. I was in the kitchen getting wings to shove in my facehole, so I wasn’t paying much attention.
5:05- All of the Super Bowl MVPs are introduced and allowed to walk onto the field. I believe this is the NFL’s effort to remind us that youth is fleeting and that someday you will be an old creeper like Joe Namath.
5:16- Jim Gaffigan is introduced as the new Colonel Sanders. That forces me to type the most confusing sentence I have ever typed.
5:22- Important note from Ron Rivera, Carolina head coach. He thinks that they need to keep an eye on their guys. Good strategy.
5:26- An armed forces chorus sings “America The Beautiful.” Just incase you were worried that no celebrity would be involved, Marlee Matlin does sign language to the song.
5:29- Lady Gaga sings the national anthem. She wears a sensible pantsuit. A sensible red sequined pantsuit.
5:34- An advertisement for the “Hawaii 5-0” Valentine’s event is aired. I’m sure that will be a very romantic episode to share with the one you love.
5:35- Coin Flip. Tails is the call. It turns out to be tails, so Carolina makes Denver take the ball.
5:40- First in-game reminder that Peyton Manning is the oldest quarterback in Super Bowl history.
5:45- After starting off strong, the Broncos settle for a field goal. 3-0 Broncos.
5:50- Jeff Goldblum and Lil’ Wayne star in a commercial together. I look it up, but number of Lil’ Wayne Super Bowl commercials seems to be the only Super Bowl thing you couldn’t gamble on.
5:54- The Panthers punt the ball.
5:58- The announcers tell us it is “almost time for the Pepsi Superbowl 50 halftime show.” There are still 8 minutes left in the first quarter. Clearly the definition of “almost” is a bit fuzzy for them.
6:03- Mountain Dew introduces a puppy-monkey-baby hybrid. I’m really looking forward to my new recurring nightmare.
6:07- Cam Newton fumbles the ball. The ball goes into the endzone. The Broncos grab it for a touchdown. After an extra point, it’s 10-0.
6:09- The two teams almost fight, but the refs don’t let it happen. Sometimes referees can be so unreasonable.
6:13- The Broncos get called for taunting. Instead of getting the ball, the Panthers keep the ball. Plus, their parents are going to be sooooo mad! Instead of using this as an opportunity, they punt the ball back.
6:20- Now Denver punts the ball.
6:21- Second in-game reminder that Peyton Manning is old. They show a nice graphic showing that Cam Newton is, indeed, younger than Peyton Manning.
6:23- The first quarter ends. Denver leads 10-0.
6:24- I sit pensively wishing I had more chicken wings.
6:31- The Panthers score touchdown and make the extra point. I miss the whole thing because I was trying to get a podcast edited. I realize I’m a bad sports fan. Anyway, the score is 10-7.
6:42- The Broncos punt the ball after Carolina hits a bunch of players and shows why there’s a whole movie about football concussions.
6:44- The sideline reporter lets us know that players have changed their shoes during this game because they need better footing. What a bunch of divas.
6:48- The Broncos have the longest punt return in Super Bowl history. It is X yards. (Note to self: remember to update the number once you stop being too lazy to look it up.) (Second note to self: forget that first note because you know that will never happen.)
6:52- The Broncos kick a field goal. 13-7.
6:57- The Panthers fumble. Then the refs say they didn’t fumble. Not ones to give up, they fumble the next play. That’s called giving it your all.
7:03- Peyton Manning throws an interception. This disappoints my wife because “I like Manning. He’s a good man.”
7:08- After getting the ball back, the Broncos end up punting again.
7:18- It’s halftime. Other things happened in between my last post and this. Namely me not paying attention.
7:26- Peyton Manning is called Father Time by one of the halftime show announcers. That’s a bit rude.
7:29- The halftime show begins with Coldplay’s Chris Martin almost being run over by a frantic mob. No one has ever been that excited about Coldplay in real life. No one.
7:35- Bruno Mars takes over. I’m assuming that’s because CBS decided Coldplay was too boring halfway through the show.
7:36- Change of plans. Now it’s Beyonce.
7:37- Oh! I get it! Beyonce and Bruno Mars are singing back and forth. And Coldplay was left for dead somewhere. With that said, I neglect the halftime show to go to the bathroom.
7:52- Kickoff part deux!
8:00- Because Carolina seems intent on losing, they miss a field goal.
8:01- A commercial shows dogs standing on each other’s shoulders and wearing a trench coat to buy Doritos. No information is given as to where these dogs got money.
8:07- Denver field goal. They now lead 16-7.
8:16- Denver intercepts a tipped pass. Then they fumble the ball. Then Denver gets the ball after a defender rolls around on the ground with a handful of Panthers players. It was exciting, but not as exciting as the commercial that followed featuring dozens of dachshunds in hot dog costumes running to people dressed like bottles of ketchup.
8:22- Denver punts the ball.
8:23- According to Honda, sheep love Queen and sing along with it when humans aren’t around. Honda is a of bunch liars and, because of that, I will boycott their products. Unless they want to give me one. Then I’ll willingly sell out all of my principles.
8:30- Carolina punts the ball. The third quarter ends with Denver ahead 16-7.
8:36- Peyton Manning fumbles the ball. Now the Panthers have it.
8:43- Panthers field goal. 16-10 Denver lead.
8:44- Christopher Walken compares the Kia Optima to an exciting pair of socks. While this did not change my opinion of the Kia Optima, it did make me wish my sock game was better.
8:54- The Panthers punt the ball. Again.
8:58- Guess what happens now? Hint: It involved Denver’s punter.
9:01- Fumble by Cam Newton and recovered by Denver inside the five yard line.
9:05- Touchdown by Denver. Then the refs decide to review the call.
9:07- Official touchdown by Denver. They get the two-point conversion and Denver leads 24-10.
9:16- According to the announcers, Peyton Manning is still old.
9:22- The game ends. Denver wins the championship. They show someone crying, but he isn’t wearing a jersey, so you don’t know if it’s tears of joy or sorrow.
9:24- Peyton Manning almost retires, then instead says he wants to kiss his wife and drink a lot of beer.
So there you have it. It was a game full of a lot of turnovers and punting. I think, reflecting on the journey, we can all agree on the moral of this story.
Sheep all love to sing Queen. Who would’ve guessed it?