Your Official, Genuine, For Real Up-To-Date 2012 Presidential Poll

With only two days to go before the Presidential Election Day, all eyes are on the polls as people search for the answers to the important questions. Who will have the chance to guide the United States into the coming apocalyptic future? Who will become the answer to a trivia question about former presidential candidates? […]

A Letter To Mitt Romney

Dear Mitt Romney, I want to start things off by saying congratulations to you. You are now officially the Republican presidential candidate! By earning the Republican nomination for president, you have joined the illustrious ranks of former nominees such as Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, John C. Fremont, and Thomas E. Dewey. Clearly, with this nomination, […]

“John Carter” Loses $200 Million, Proves World Is Not Ready For Movies About Men Fighting With Swords On Mars

In my lifetime, I have seen many movies. I have seen comedies and dramas. I have been forced to sit through long boring classics (I would rather pull my eyes out than try to watch “Gone With the Wind” again) and been forced to sit through long boring non-classics (I would rather watch “Gone With […]

The Greatest Presidents’ Day Pageant Ever

Let’s be honest: Presidents’ Day gets the shaft. As far as holidays go, it falls somewhere between Labor Day and Micronesia Independence Day. Aside from some killer sales on cars (“0.9% APR on a new Honda!”) and a day off work, no one really cares about Presidents’ Day. Well, it’s time for that to change. […]

I Am an Award Winning Liar

When you have been blogging awhile, you are bound to be given “awards.” These “awards” are, in all actuality, chain posts that float from blogger to blogger, forcing others to give interesting facts about themselves before they pass along the assignment. These awards never carry any real sort of acknowledgement. There is no cash prize […]

Campaigning For President: Only Slightly More Fun Than a Shark Attack

  Warning: The following post is about American politics. If you are from a foreign land you may not care about what is said here. If you are from America, you may not care either, but I can call you unpatriotic if you don’t read this, so ha.   When I was a kid, teachers […]

Dear Barack Obama

Dear Barack Obama, Hello. How are you? I am also well, thanks for asking. It’s so great that we could catch up like this. I was watching the Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday night. I do this every Sunday night with hopes of eventually seeing the animal on Donald Trump’s head move. It still hasn’t, but […]

Get Ready Oprah. Here Comes My Memoir.

It has happened again. We’ve been duped. We’ve been made fools of. Once again, we’ve been “A Million Little Pieced.” You might remember author James Frey. A few years ago, Frey wrote a bestselling “memoir.” This “memoir” ended up being what people like to call “a lie.” He was punished by experiencing Oprah’s scorn on […]

Girl Scouts: Everyone’s Enemies

Stereotypes can be mean. At this point, every group in the world has at least one stereotype about them, most of which are not true. For example, I am an award winning break dancer despite my Caucasian descent (Editor’s note: No. He can’t dance one bit.). But I feel like Americans, as a whole, have […]