The Government Shutdown: Where’s The Anarchy?

A few months ago, I downloaded the CNN app for my phone. This seemed like a great idea at the time. Anytime any breaking news was uncovered, I would be alerted immediately. I had at the time forgotten that almost all news is terrible. I was made aware of every single murder that happened to […]

What’s More Fun Than A Filibuster? (Hint: Just About Everything)

21 hours and 19 minutes is a long time to do anything. Having the attention span of a flea like so many members of my generation, I tend to lose interest in anything after about half an hour. In fact, I can’t name one thing in the world I would be able to do for […]

America Loses the One Thing We Can Do: Be Fat

There was a time that America was the best at everything. The world looked towards us for financial leadership. Our educational system was top-notch. We had become one of the leading forces in the world. Those days, though, are long past us. More recently, America has ruled the world in only a few things: number […]

No You Aren’t Paranoid, They Really Are Watching You

One day, many years ago, mankind was created. We could spend all day debating how this happened, whether some sort of slimy creature crawled out of the ocean and decided they would rather walk on two legs, build civilizations, and create marvels of human creation like the pyramids or the Big Mac, or whether some […]

New Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos: What?

In America’s search for new foods to shove in our mouths, a great deal of unnecessary foods have been created. At some point in the 1970’s, someone decided that having to use two jars was far too much work. Thus peanut butter and jelly were swirled in jar, saving millions of people a full 10 […]

Say It Ain’t So?! Rush Limbaugh Doesn’t Love America Anymore?!

  Rush Limbaugh is known for saying ridiculous things. This a man who called a college co-ed a prostitute because she spoke in favor of insurance covering the cost of birth control. He once said that an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico should be left alone because “the ocean will take care of […]

A Seatbelt Related Dream

It was late at night when I pulled up to the stoplight. The road was dimly lit, the only light coming from a car to my right. It bounced through my windshield, showing that I had neglected to buckle my seatbelt. I don’t know why it was unbuckled. Maybe I had decided to live dangerously. […]

Calm Down! The Government Says The World Is Not Doomed.

It is just mere weeks until December 21. For most people, this means nothing. Those people are just walking around in a world of unicorns and fairy dust, expecting a rainbow to appear and rain down gummy bears. Everyone who knows anything knows that December 21st marks the end of the Mayan calendar and that […]

China Mistakes Kim Jong-un as “The Sexiest Man Alive.” What Else Could We Get Them To Believe?

China does a lot of things right. Not toys or toothpaste or crayons (unless you have always wanted to increase the lead in your home), but there are things they are great at. You know, like gymnastics or naming delicious chicken dishes after generals. Unfortunately, the list of things they do well does not include […]

Turkey, Dressing and a Plague

  There is no better way to follow up a lovely holiday like Thanksgiving than by becoming sick. Fortunately for me, my mother did more than just cook a turkey: she brought home a plague so that everyone could have the joy of hugging a toilet while wondering how much liquid can come out of […]