Pesky Leftover Halloween Candy: A Modern Day Plague

Halloween is an odd time of year. 364 days of the year it is unacceptable for a person to dress up like  a corpse and gorge themselves on all sorts of sweets, taking time between bites of their 3 Musketeers to scare random people. People go door to door looking for unhealthy desserts, an act that is normally very frowned upon (trust me). You see respectable women suddenly dressing up like a doctor/prostitute or police officer/prostitute, witch/prostitute, lioness/prostitute, angel/prostitute… really any random noun/prostitute.

I’ve never fully understood the appeal of Halloween, but there was one part I can always get behind.

Candy.

I challenge you to find one person who doesn’t like candy. It’s nearly impossible. If you do manage to find one person that doesn’t like candy, something is incredibly wrong with them and you should immediately cut them out of your life. If I could eat candy all day long, I would. Apparently, though, this is “bad for you.” Doctors are always such a buzzkill.

When you go to the store, it can be hard to contain your excitement. If you’re like me, you want everything. You want to eat sugar until you get slip into a sugar-induced coma. You want to pound down candy bars until caramel and nougat have replaced all of your vital bodily fluids.

With this type of excitement, though, it is very easy to buy too much. After all the trick-or-treaters are gone, you can find yourself with a virtual mountain of confectionary delights that you are now forced to deal with. Sure, you could eat them all, but your significant other would most likely complain about you doubling in size.

Fortunately for you, I’m here with some creative ways to deal with that candy problem.

 

Save It Until Next Year

Next year, you will need more candy for trick-or-treaters. Sort through your candy carefully. Odds are you have some that can be saved until next year.

Remember, though, not all candy can be saved. For instance, you wouldn’t want a package of Swedish Fish that had been sitting around for a year. Science has proven that after three months, Swedish Fish become tiny pieces of granite. You also don’t want to save chocolate. There is a serious melting risk, not to mention you shouldn’t be wasting good candy on brats who come to your door demanding it.

The best bet is to save the bubble gum. No one is going to chew it anyway, so it really doesn’t matter if it gets hard.

 

Regifting

The holidays are coming up. What better way to show your loved ones that you care for them then by giving them M&Ms with jack-o-lanterns on the packages?

 

Build To-Scale Models of the Seven Wonders of the World

Everyone needs a hobby. Some people like to build model airplanes. Others collect stamps or other random knick knacks.

These are the hobbies of the boring.

When you pick a hobby, you want something that people will find interesting enough to talk about. Think back to the last time you heard someone talking about a great stamp one of your mutual friends just found. If you’re having trouble remembering this, it’s because it never happened. This is due to the pure suckitude of this hobby.

People, though, would love to talk about how you built a replica of the Pyramid of Giza completely out of Twizzlers, Reese’s cups, and Pixie Sticks. I mean, how could you not be the hit of the party with a hobby like that?

 

Play Real Life Candy Land

If you have that much candy leftover, it’s finally time to make that childhood dream come true. You don’t have to just dream of living in a land entirely made of candy. Now you can do it!

All you will need is your candy and a bit of basic construction know-how. Soon you and your friends will be tromping through the Lollipop Woods. Imagine how jealous five-year-old you would be!

(Side note: I may be way off base, but I feel that the makers of “Candy Land” did not fully grasp the concept of candy. I mean, Molasses Swamp? Since when has Molasses been a candy? Gingerbread trees? Really? The ice cream sea is more than likely unacceptable as well depending, of course, on the type of ice cream.

Not only that, but they clearly had bad taste in candy. While a peppermint forest would be the most refreshing forest in history, it isn’t exactly the candy you would want a forest of. Nor would I want a house of Peanut Brittle.

I’m sure, though, Gumdrop Mountain would be delicious.)

 

Revenge

Everyone has an annoying friend or two. They drag their kids to all of your parties and then spend the entire time there telling that kid to stop climbing up your bookcase and that the dog does not want to play piggy back. Of course, the kids never listen and when they go home, you are left with a small mess that resembles the aftermath of a tiny hurricane.

Now is your chance to get them back. Take that candy and give it to that friend’s kids when they aren’t looking. Then get out because you definitely do not want to see the chaos that is about to take place.

Yes, this is candy used for evil, but sometimes it just has to be done.

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7 thoughts on “Pesky Leftover Halloween Candy: A Modern Day Plague

  1. That junk would save for years, in theory. Nope, I’d much rather get mine fresh, even trash the stuff after a certain date. But this is really not supposed to be an adult’s concern after a certain point. After safety and health issues are concerned, it’s strictly for the kids, at least the traditional Halloween I’m thinking of.

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  2. Why bother getting candy to hand out to those pesky kids anyway? Turn off the porch lights on Halloween night and refuse to answer the door. Then, wait until the day after Halloween when it all goes on sale and get the bags of good stuff for yourself.

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  3. I can testify that Kitkats are still good at least one year later. I know because one Halloween we had a lot left and I set them aside, forgot about them and found them a year later. My husband and son ate all of them without complaining, so they must have been good. But they are both kind of “give it to Mikey he’ll eat anything” kind of guys, so maybe they were bad and they just ate them anyway.

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