America Loses the One Thing We Can Do: Be Fat

There was a time that America was the best at everything. The world looked towards us for financial leadership. Our educational system was top-notch. We had become one of the leading forces in the world.

Those days, though, are long past us.

More recently, America has ruled the world in only a few things: number of Kardashians, most “real housewives,” grandest canyon. The biggest thing we had going for us, though, was heft. We as a country had grown bigger and bigger until soon there were millions of rotund spherical humans lumbering down the street and riding on mechanical scooters because they were too fat to walk through a store when buying more food.

We worked hard on this, adding bacon onto things, then adding more bacon, then, when that bacon wasn’t potent enough anymore, we tried deep-frying it. Doctors warned us how unhealthy this was, so instead we tried deep-frying everything else. Eventually, doctors warned us we had grown so much we were in danger of exploding. No one could hear them, though, over the crunch of their Doritos flavored taco.

Nothing made us prouder than our gluttony. We even invented contests for people to showcase how much food they could shove in their fat mouths. When the world thought of America, they thought obesity. Sure, our educational system had dropped out of the top 25, the dollar was less valuable than many currencies and our government, once a prized demonstration of democracy in action, had become a laughing-stock of lunatics arguing, but we still had our fat.

Well, wait to go America. You let that slip away from us too.

According to the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization, or UNFAO, Mexico has officially surpassed America in obesity with 32.8% of adults now being obese. That puts them a full 1% fatter than we are.

I have never been more ashamed to be an American. The one thing, the ONLY thing, we could say we were good at just slipped through our fingers. It’s like hearing about a great athlete who worked as hard as he could to become the top at his sport, and then when everyone recognized how good he was, he let freaking Mexico become fatter than him! Yes, I know this is a flawed analogy, but I am just too livid to come up with a better one. I mean, MEXICO?!

On paper it makes sense. All Mexican food consists of the same ingredients: cheese, meat, beans, tortillas. In some form or another, this is it. Maybe we should work harder on our foods to regain our title. We could take a hamburger and then, instead of a bun, use two OTHER hamburgers! I mean, we really need to start thinking outside the box.

The quickest way to solve this problem, though, and regain our heavyweight title is a solution that has been looking us in the face all along. While Congress is busy fighting over how immigration should be handled, we should open the borders completely… for anyone with a body mass index over 30. Anyone under that, no chance. You’re staying in the new skinny Mexico. Go eat a few dozen burritos and come try again.

This is a desperate time. We have lost completely lost our identity. It’s sad, really. This is the land of innovation, though. The country that thought said “Hey, that mountain that no one cares about in South Dakota? Let’s carve some faces in it!” The land that thought of the ice cream cake, the world’s most perfect dessert specifically because it combines several desserts into one. Together, we can do anything.

Now go fry some bacon and get to work. It’s what the founding fathers would want.

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23 thoughts on “America Loses the One Thing We Can Do: Be Fat

      • “Lengua Burrito”… does that mean “long little burro”? No wonder Mexican food is so weight inducing. Please excuse my ignorance, I’m a Canuck and to us south-of-the-border cuisine involves hot dogs and apple pie.

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  1. I blame Obama. Since he put the economy in the crapper, people can’t afford to double bacon everything like they used to. Now we have lost the respect of the lardasses of the world. What a mess this man has driven us to.

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  2. I didn’t realize we had the Heavyweight title, but I’m not surprised in a land where you can get your steak for free at certain restaurants in Texas and such if you eat like 20 ounces at a time (EGAD). When I read the lines about bacon with more bacon, I couldn’t help but think of my ex-husband who died in 2005 at the age of 38 – basically because of his diet. His widow told me he was eating A POUND of bacon per day and tons of regular soda, and he often spent $20 on himself at McDonald’s!! They initially said he had pancreatic cancer, but he had so much fat in his veins and around his heart, it just stopped functioning. He died on life support. I didn’t know that was possible. I used to be one of those people who was overweight and didn’t care, often joking I was allergic to exercise, but when the doctor wanted to put me on high blood pressure medication when I was 35 (in 2002), I asked if losing weight would help. He just stared at me, almost dumbfounded, but I came back in three months and had lost 20 pounds just from walking and reducing portions at mealtimes. My blood pressure was way down, and the danger had passed, but I went on to lose 30 more pounds. I gained 20 of it back recently (long story re this post: http://tenaciousbitch.com/2013/07/03/post-100-and-yes-it-is-all-about-the-little-things/ ), but I’m back on track now. And I’ve lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks! :) Anyway…I hope America will start looking in the mirror, put DOWN the bacon ON BACON burger and decide to make healthier choices and maybe put us in THIRD, FOURTH…maybe TENTH place and on down in the future! Thanks for the enlightening post! :)

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  3. I do my part by eating Mexican food at least once a week, to help the American cause. All of the Mexican workers building houses in our neighborhood are not representing well for Mexico, because they eat from the taco trucks down the block but then burn it all off working hard for nine hours in 110 degree heat. So most of them are not obese. The grocery store has two for one ice cream gallons this week, so I’ll help the cause that way.

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  4. You are so funny!!!

    In one of the TLC shows, i saw this burger with double fried bacon, double beef patties and three layers of cheese….Must be 3000 calories..The show host was loving it. I get it that he was getting paid for making the yummmmmm sound but what about others..

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