Your Foolproof Guide To Taxes

English: U.S. Rep. John Linder with the 2007 T...

Tax season can be a very trying time for anyone. Throughout an entire year of hard work, people often look at their checks to find that a sizeable chunk has been given to the government. Then, after all of the grueling days and long weeks filled with labor, the government has the gall to try to tell you that you need to figure out if you owe them MORE money.

To make it more difficult, the US government decided that it would be fun to make the tax code indecipherable to the common person. It’s enough to make someone lose their mind.

Fortunately for everyone, I am here to make sure each and every one of you gets every penny you can from the government. Why should they be able to just take money from us in exchange for government services like local police, fire protection, military protection and education? Last time I checked, I wasn’t consistently being robbed, having my personal possessions burnt, getting into wars or learning.

Throughout the tax code, there are many loopholes that a person can take advantage of. If you look deep enough, you can find all of them.

I would assume that you, like myself, are tired of hearing about those farmers raking in the big bucks all the time. There they are, living off of the fat of the land because they can keep a few animals alive or grow something. I mean, those are things nature does on its own every single day. Big deal, farmers.

There are a great number of tax credits for farmers to take advantage of. For instance, farmers get to deduct $0.44 per mile that was driven while working. They can also deduct all of that money spent on “Poultry (including egg-laying hens and baby chicks) bought for use (or for both use and resale) in your farm business.”

Seeing this loophole, I created a mobile chicken farm I like to call “Rovin’ Ovums.” Yes, I know it would work better if the word “ovun” was a thing, but it isn’t so get over it. I drive my chicken farm throughout the land, racking up that mileage and writing off each chicken I get. If you are worried that this wouldn’t get you enough money, you can also park your mobile chicken farm near a volcano. Any damages caused by a volcanic eruption can be written off, though I would recommend removing the chickens before allowing molten lava to engulf your vehicle.

Another commonly overlooked deduction can come in the form of that small person that you and your significant other created years ago. Children are a tax goldmine!

Sure, everyone knows about the normal credits that come with kids, but by thinking out of the box, you can write off even more. For example, a person is allowed to write off a portion of janitorial costs related to their business. Kids need to earn allowance. That would make them employees of your small business which is ANOTHER possible tax write-off. That’s two for the price of one!

Of course, nothing is better than not paying any taxes. That would be a dream come true. There are quite a few tricks people never try that can get them out of taxes altogether.

Did you know that the IRS is a group of fun-loving individuals? Very few people do and that is why no one ever takes advantage of this. If you ask, those jokesters at the IRS have been known to allow a person to skip paying altogether in exchange for knock-knock jokes. They love knock-knock jokes. They also like a good comedic limerick. Remember to keep them clean, though. The IRS hates dirty jokes.

You can also write them a letter explaining why you don’t want to pay taxes. I have gone ahead and drafted you a template here:

Dear Sir and/or madam IRS worker,

 

Well, it looks like tax season is here again! Boy how time flies! It seems like just yesterday that we were kids free of worries like taxes. I bet it’s even worse for you.  I mean, you have to deal with thousands of people’s taxes. That must be sooooooooooooooo boring!

Say, I have an idea…how about, instead of me filing taxes, I just don’t! Then, you don’t have to worry about them and I don’t have to! We can get back to the important things in life that we have forgotten all about as we aged. The simplicity of a lightning bug in jar. The fun of climbing a tree. Pure, unadulterated freedom from the boredom humdrum daily life we, as adults, are forced to lead. I would rather do that. 

Wouldn’t that be better than boring old taxes?

 

Love, 

(Insert your name here)

With these tips, you are definitely ready to show the IRS what’s what. You are invincible. You know, as far as taxes go. You aren’t ACTUALLY invincible, so please don’t try to walk in front of a train or anything.

Disclaimer: The preceding was not written by a tax expert. It was written by a person who can work TurboTax with only minimal help. What he says should not be taken as facts. If you thought what he said is right, you’re probably pretty stupid. Fortunately, there is no stupid tax, so you should be okay.

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