For those who have been unaware of the world for the past few weeks, the reigning Catholic Pope has turned in his red shoes and left his post as ruler of the largest church in the world. Today was the first day of voting for a new pope and, after much deliberation, no consensus was reached. There is still no pope.
While the cardinals (Catholic priests, not baseball players, football players, or birds) spend their days debating the deeds of the candidates, I feel that I would be remiss to not throw my hat in the ring. There are many reasons I would make a great Pope. Off of the top of my head, here are five:
-I look great in large hats. I mean fantastic. I think it has to do with my large, oversized head. I am one of the only humans in the world that would have a shot at filling out a hat like the Papal Mitre. (That’s what it’s called. Look it up.) While some people would complain about being forced to wear a hat like that all the time, I would take it as a tradeoff, knowing that while I do have to wear a giant hat, I can now ditch the pants and wander around in just a robe.
-Since 1700, the youngest pope elected was 51. 51! Isn’t it about time someone pumps some youth into Vatican City? Just in case the answer is no, I have also been known to act like an old man. I am essentially an 85-year-old curmudgeon stuck in a 25-year-old body. If you have to be old, I am absolutely willing to sit in a makeup chair day in and day out to give myself an aged appearance. We can talk about it.
-Getting in and out of the Popemobile must be quite an ordeal. Fortunately for you, Catholic church, I have a very strong bladder. There would be no emergency pit stops on our Popemobile processions. Nope. I could sit in that Plexiglas box for hours without worry.
-The Catholic church is starting grow a bit stagnant. It’s just very…blah. There needs to be more of an effort to get the church out there in the public eye. That’s where some great cross-promotion ideas come in. Picture this: the Pope sitting in his big pope chair. Thousands of people lined up to kiss my papal hand. What do I need? Purell! Purell: If It’s Good Enough For Someone With Infallibility, It’s definitely is good enough for you. Suddenly the church is in Super Bowl commercials and all over billboards. That’s what we call thinking outside of the papal box.
-One major downfall to choosing me would be my lack of linguistic knowledge. Living in Vatican City, I’m sure most people speak Italian. As Pope, many people from many different languages would want to speak with me. This is not a problem, though, as I am great at nodding and pretending I know what people are saying to me. I do it to my wife all the time. (If you see my wife, maybe don’t mention that to her.) As far as speaking the other languages, Google translate will pretty much do the job for me. All I need to do is learn some basic pronunciations and dovrebbe funzionare alla perfezione!
- Papal conclave getting under way today (wxyz.com)
- SI Catholics Await New Pope’s Election (statenisland.ny1.com)
- Cardinals fail to elect new pope (bbc.co.uk)
- 10 facts about the papal conclave (wxyz.com)
- Catholic Church May Have a Path Back To Its Roots With A New Pope, According To The Debut Mystery Novel By Ronald Bruce Gies (prweb.com)
- Papal conclave to elect new pope set to begin (cnn.com)
- Papal Conclave begins (minbcnews.com)
- What Does A Pope Do? (praisecharlotte.com)
- Pope Watch 2013: Black Smoke, White Smoke, and Text Alerts (blogher.com)