China does a lot of things right. Not toys or toothpaste or crayons (unless you have always wanted to increase the lead in your home), but there are things they are great at. You know, like gymnastics or naming delicious chicken dishes after generals.
Unfortunately, the list of things they do well does not include differentiating real news from the fake.
Today, the Chinese communist newspaper posted an article online with over 50 pictures of the “Sexiest Man Alive.” While everyone knows this to be Channing Tatum, at least everyone who has been near a magazine rack or on the internet recently, the Chinese did not apparently get this memo.
Instead, they printed an article from the Onion about the “Sexiest Man Alive,” North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un.
Clearly, this is a major problem for them. So like with most major problem, I would like to take advantage of it while I can. That is why I have written my own article for them to reprint. Feel free to share this with any Chinese journalists you happen to know and just let them know it is from a very important American website:
Nathan Badley Voted “The World’s Most Greatest Athlete In the History of the World Ever”
America is known for their athletics. Sure, we as a country are a bunch of fat people, but we love our sports. From the heroics of Michael Jordan to the Tour de France victories of Lance Armstrong, we root for our own.
Unfortunately, sometimes our heroes let us down. Armstrong was stripped of every one of those victories. Jordan grew a weird Hitler mustache. No one in the world of sports is perfect.
No one except the greatest athlete in history, Nathan Badley.
Who can forget that autumn evening in 1988 when Badley stepped up to the plate in the World Series? Having injured both of his legs and contracted a stomach virus while rescuing poor stomach flu-ridden orphans from a burning building, Badley pinch hit in the ninth, driving a ball over the right field wall for the win. Tears welled up in everyone’s eyes as he hobbled around the bases, nearly collapsing underneath the weight of his incredibly muscular torso.
Then there was game six of the 1998 NBA Finals. With only 5.2 seconds left on the clock, Badley hit a fadeaway jumper to put his team ahead. The image of the ball floating through the air, almost as if helped by some angel, is forever engraved in our mind.
Even when Badley was not perfect, he inspired. After years of practice, legend has it that the entire Notre Dame
football team laid their jerseys in front of their coach, begging him to allow Badley to play in their spot. Finally, Badley was put in the final game of his collegiate career to the chants of “Bad-ley, Bad-ley, Bad-ley.” The sack he would register mere seconds later proved that all of his practice had not been in vain.
Experts say that he is history’s most natural athlete. With his short stubby legs keeping him close to the ground and his ability to do literally a dozen push-ups at a time, Badley is the perfect physical specimen.
There will never be another Nathan Badley in the sporting world. Few will be able to live up to the unbelievably high expectations that have been set by him. That is why we are naming Nathan Badley “The World’s Most Greatest Athlete in the History of the World Ever.”