How Many Maids Does One Cat Need?

English: A two-year-old seal point "tradi...

English: A two-year-old seal point “traditional” Siamese cat. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This morning, I awoke to the sight of my cat hovering over me. As a person who is strongly against cats, this is not a welcome view. On my list of things I would prefer not to wake up to, there are serial killers, then predatory animals, followed by a cat shedding onto my face. I grunted, assuming he got the message loud and clear because only seconds later he was gone.

Instead, he had taken his leave to go stand in front of the bathroom sink. I politely nudged him out of the way and began to brush my teeth. He made his way behind me, camping out in front of the shower. I spat and began the whole routine again as I attempted to bathe before work.

What is this cat’s problem? I had wondered this several times, even asking him directly.

“Hey, what is your problem?” I would ask. He would look at me, confused. Then he would lie down directly on the stairs, clearly trying to cause me to fall to my death as I tried to get to my home’s lower level. And, even after I recovered from my near death experience, he still would not tell me what his problem was. That is just blatant disrespect.

We have had our disagreements in the past. I have wanted to use my laptop. He thought it would be better if he lay directly on top of it. During meal time, I have tried to eat my food. He has tried to lie directly on top of it. Putting on my shoes, getting a jacket, wanting to use the toilet, all foiled by his laying. Apparently he does not understand how much more comfortable lying on a couch would be.

I have tried everything, from petting him to saying nice things. By saying nice things, I of course mean not calling him names and cursing his very existence. Point is, I have tried. I have not set idly by and allowed our relationship to carry on. This, of course, goes unnoticed by the cat.

Maybe it’s because he feels more entitled.

I read an article about the cat of Karl Lagerfeld, renowned fashion designer who is known for many things, all the way from designing shirts to designing pants. Lagerfeld and I have a lot in common. Actually, really only two things. We both wear clothing on a regular basis and we both have cats.

Where our lives differ, though, is the treatment of our cats. Lagerfeld has given his cat only the best. His feline companion dines with him at the table. Not under the table, mind you, but AT the table. That means if you were to go to one of Karl’s renowned dinner parties, you would be eating your Cornish game hen next to a white Siamese.

This cat does not spend all day alone in a small Kansas City town-home. Instead, he is pampered by TWO maids specifically hired to care for his cat. For those keeping score at home, Lagerfeld’s cat has exactly twice as many maids as I have, even more if I follow my wife’s insistence that she is, indeed, not a maid.

Moreover, one of these maids is responsible for Choupette’s (This is the most appropriate name for a white Siamese ever) diary, writing down every activity the cat partakes in. If it is anything like my cat, it would read like this:

 

9:00 a.m.: Laid in an inappropriate place

10:45 a.m.: Moved to a new inappropriate place

11:18 a.m.: Pooped in a box, then did not properly clean his butt

12:53 p.m.: Drank all of the dog’s water even though there is a dish specifically for the cat

1:12 p.m.: Coughed up a hairball, then laid in an inappropriate place

 

No doubt, Lagerfeld reads this every night, far too excited to see what the cat did. “Oh, he laid ON TOP of the TV? How fascinating! What a little kitten genius!”

If I were to give my cat all of these things, maybe he would leave me alone and allow me to live my life. We could get along and become the best of friends. Of course, I do not allow animals at my table, nor do I have the money to hire multiple keepers for an animal whose sole contribution to my home is coughing up a strangely colored ball of hair and mucus for us to marvel at.

Lagerfeld may be on to something. More likely, though, he has never been around a dog. If he had, he would realize what a stuck-up snob his cat is. All dogs want is the last bite of a sandwich and an occasional pat.

They definitely do not need a maid.

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13 thoughts on “How Many Maids Does One Cat Need?

  1. That’s because dogs don’t realize what they are missing by not having a maid. They are too busy digging holes or chewing up clothes or other necessities. Cats are smarter…and better in general.

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  2. Your cat is just trying to let you know who is really in charge. You are on his time, no matter how much you think you are the head of the household. Like they always say, dogs have a family, cats have a staff.

    P.S.- I gave you two awards in my last post. You don’t have to participate if you don’t want to, just letting you know. :-)

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  3. Cat is staking out his territory and seeing how best to get rid of you. He wasn’t eyeing you, it was your side of the bed, your food would become his and he could short circuit the lap top with one well aimed stream. Then he can entice you to the steps and get rid of you. It’s all probably still only in the planning stages still :)

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  4. I think cats should have at least one maid each. Unfortunately my cats are underprivileged. They have a lazy maid…me. But they taught me if I don’t buy those darned Friskies Grillers (don’t get your cat hooked on that kitty crack) that there would be hell to pay! I now buy a huge bag and make sure the princesses are well stocked.

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