I walked out of my apartment today to the most glorious sight I had ever laid eyes on: Spring! Everywhere I looked, flowers were blooming, grass was turning green, people, pale from their winter hibernation, were exposing their incredibly pasty legs to the world. Life was good.
With beautiful spring weather bringing life back to the world, it’s hard to be angry at anything. In fact, there was just one thing I had a major beef with.
All of my life, I have heard over and over again about the importance of trees. They convert carbon dioxide into oxygen. They give animals homes. They can provide you with a nice shady spot to relax or feed you with their fruits.
Naturally, I have always liked these trees. In fact, I have been a large proponent of trees. Whenever I was to see someone trying to punch a tree, I would immediately tell them to stop. Everyone knows you shouldn’t punch a tree. It didn’t do anything to you and you’re only going to hurt your hand. Besides, if you were able to punch it hard enough to break it, it would just fall on your head and kill you.*
I often listed these trees as one of the best parts of the spring. Seeing these seemingly dead plants suddenly spring to life was miraculous. I enjoyed watching the blooms turn into the leaves that would provide shade and then, in the cyclical pattern of a tree’s life, fall and leave the tree exposed and nude all over again.
Of course, I assumed that my standing up for and admiring of trees had put me on their good side. I foolishly believed that I would be on the treeMount Rushmoresandwiched between the Lorax and Bob Ross. And why wouldn’t I be? I had been a great friend to trees. I had even visited the Arbor Day Foundation AND planted a tree.
These efforts on my part, though, seem to all have been for not.
One morning, I walked outside as I am prone to do in the morning. The night before, I had parked a clean car, a car that had been transformed from really crappy looking into just crappy looking. I was horrified at the sight in front of me.
Pollen and seeds had covered my car. It looked like I owned a Rose Parade float. For some reason, and I can only imagine it was out of spite, this tree had decided to ruin the previous day’s efforts.
While this was pretty bad, I was willing to forgive the tree. After all, it didn’t know any better. It was just a tree. Besides, as a tree it has to hate cars. It’s in a tree’s nature. Loving cars would be like a human loving rat poison. Or a rat loving rat poison. Really, any sort of being loving any sort of poison.
That was not the worst of it, though. Oh no. The trees had something far worse planned.
Amazon is publishing a book this month that benefits a conservationist group. The book, A Kindle Saved My Life, is a story about a tree that is not chopped up and used to create a book.
The author? A Tree.
While I am here tirelessly toiling away on my blog, a tree has somehow secured a book deal, written a memoir, and had it published.
Don’t get me wrong. It is impressive that a tree was able to write this book. Writing cannot be easy for something with no brain. Trees don’t even have hands to type with, so it has to be extra tough. Good for that tree for overcoming its handicaps, namely being a tree, and accomplishing something millions of people dream of.
BUT IT IS A TREE! I AM A HUMAN, BUT NOOOOO ONE CARES ABOUT THAT! NO SIR! I GUESS TO BE A PUBLISHED WRITER THESE DAYS, YOU HAVE TO BE SOME SORT OF VEGETATION FOR DOGS TO PEE ON! IT SHOULDN’T BE HELD AGAINST ME THAT I WAS BORN, NOT GROWN FROM A SEED! WHAT KIND OF STUPID REVERSE DISCRIMINATION IS THIS! WE SHOULD JUST ROUND UP ALL OF THE TREES AND TURN THEM INTO TOILET PAPER! THAT’S ALL THEY DESERVE!
I’ll get my revenge, though. I will buy this book, then I will find a way to print it. All 100 pages. And I won’t be using recycled paper, either.
That will teach those trees who is really the boss.
*Rumor is this is how Jim Morrison of the Doors died. Pretty sure that’s true, but don’t hold me to it.
- Seattle Man Rescues & Transplants Hundreds of Unwanted Trees (inhabitat.com)
- Magnolia Trees (myonepreciouslife.wordpress.com)
- Maria Rodale: The Importance of Trees (huffingtonpost.com)
- Trees! Glorious TREES!! (mindmindful.wordpress.com)
- Help Identifying These Trees for My Zone 5 Garden? Good Questions (apartmenttherapy.com)