Weddings: The Most Romantic Nonsense You Will Ever See

Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love

Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love (Photo credit: epSos.de)

In the life of a woman, there are a handful of monumental moments. Their entire life, they will be able to, in detail, tell stories of their first kiss, first date, their first boyfriend. All of these stories, though, pale in comparison to the event they lead up to.

The wedding.

Dozens of times in my life, I have seen a child as young as three want to play “wedding.” This, mostly, entails the child dressing up and then declaring their undying love and devotion to another child they will forget all about literally minutes later. Even that young, all that child wanted was a gigantic wedding with a band, a giant 19 layer cake, and 36,000 roses in a variety of colors.

These children grow up and become young adult women. The love for a day devoted to their impractical dress continues. They have planned the day out over and over in their mind until every detail is etched into their memory next to the lyrics from that one song from high school and their Facebook password. You would be hard pressed to find a woman who does not know exactly what type of dress they want to wear. They know how they want their hair, how many bobby pins it will take to hold their hair in that position (at least 436), and the type of veil that will cover their face for some reason.

Their love for this day blinds them to a fact that no one seems willing to admit. Even typing it here is likely to get me an angry look or two from people I meet.

Weddings make no sense.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for marriage. I married a woman who I think is pretty great and who, surprisingly, is able to put up with my shenanigans, tomfoolery, and monkeyshines. That’s not to say a thing about all of my high jinks I seem to always be involved in.

While I am happy I married my wife, though, I am still confused about what exactly it was that happened that day in June. I am reminded of this every spring when wedding season comes around.

The ceremony usually gets off to a nice start. While I am slightly confused by the massive gathering of flowers/candles/flowers and candles that seem to be attacking the band as they butcher a song I once sort of enjoyed, I am able to forgive that. Flowers are beautiful and everyone loves an open flame. You can’t fault the wedding party for that.

The bride will come in. She always looks beautiful. There is something about wedding dresses that make a woman look significantly prettier than she ever has. I’m sure that women would wear wedding dresses all the time if not for the fact that most of these gowns require a gaggle of friends to help the girl walk.

In fact, the ceremony almost completely makes sense. The pastor will say a few nice, encouraging words, almost as if he is trying to convince the couple to go through with it. There is usually a song. Aside from the unity candle, a candle that signifies that the couple will love each other forever but, hilariously, can never be lit, everything seems to be a nice way to express love.

Then it gets weird.

As soon as the group watches the newlyweds press their mouths together, everyone is thrown into a land of the bizarre and awkward. First, everyone walks by the couple. Since most people only know either the bride or the groom, being forced into a handshake or hug with the unfamiliar party always leads to awkwardness. A lot of awkwardness.

No sooner have you made your way to the reception then you are suddenly forced to watch the couple cut their own cake. It seems like on their special day, they would get someone else to slice the food up. Instead, they are forced to dish out dessert for everyone who came to see them.

The next thing you know, the bride is throwing flowers at a bunch of single women. This nearly causes a riot as the women push each other over, creating a bouquet-receiving mosh pit. Once the blood is mopped up from this tradition and the trampled bodies have been dragged off to the side, it’s the men’s turn.

Instead of flowers, though, the men fight over a garter. After all, there is nothing more appropriate than trying to catch a sort of undergarment that has just been removed from a newlywed’s leg.

In the end, everyone lines up to pelt the newlyweds with flowers or food as they run to a car. While this would normally be considered some sort of assault, apparently it is more than okay if the people are headed off on their honeymoon.

Not all wedding traditions are strange, though. For instance, there is punch. I love punch. If I had my way, our entire wedding budget would have been spent on a variety of punches for me to savor. No dresses, no tuxedos, just punch.

Maybe cake, too, but the punch for sure. I guess while girls are dreaming of their wedding day, dreaming of starting their new life with their soul mate, boys are dreaming of food.

The wedding day is destined to be the most important day in a girl’s life whether it turns out exactly like that childhood fantasy or not. She will romanticize every detail, each near disaster turning into another fun story to tell. She will love to rehash the details whether they make sense or not.

The guy will still be talking about the punch. That is the drink of the gods.

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38 thoughts on “Weddings: The Most Romantic Nonsense You Will Ever See

  1. I got married in a court house…8 months pregnant. Beat that. ;) Even if I could have, I wouldn’t have wanted a wedding. It is probably my evil side, against all that white and flowers and stuff. I would have saved the money and just had an awesome honeymoon. Kind of have to roll with the punches on that one.

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  2. I got married in a courthouse in Panama – 3 months pg and the carpet was this atrocious color of green… although we did have the big white put on a show wedding a year later after returning to the states…but that was more for my mom than me… she planned the whole thing.. it was nice but the only thing that was ow I pictured it was ….the dress..cause I bought it when I found it …two years before…oh crap…dont even ask… :-P

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  3. Punch? I’ve never had punch at a wedding. Lots of beer and wine, though. My wedding featured two ministers — the big joke was that my bride wanted it to stick with no legal loopholes I could use to wrangle my way out. Unfortunately, the video guys didn’t capture the expression on my brother’s face when he realized the “smoked salmon” he was eating was sashimi!

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  4. Romance yes, weird traditions NO-NO! We got married barefoot and in dark red (my gown, his shirt) on a beach in Sri Lanka by a local registrar. Our witnesses were the owner of the hotel (50 Euros a night for the double room) and his brother, and we only had cake because the hotel presented it to us as a gift. No family to please, no stupid party games, just the two of us and a nice lobster dinner. Would do it again any time but I kinda shy away from all those strange traditions of divorce…

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  5. So I take it you enjoy punch..lol..I actually had THE most AWESOME punch at the last wedding I was at..like.. unfathomably amazing so I know what you are talking about <3
    lol..I think I'm probably the only female that has no idea of what type of wedding she wants..I think it's because I plan weddings and events..I do so much for everyone else..and their ideas and everything..that I don't really think about what mine will be like..lol..
    I will admit though..I do have a *personal* wedding hair style album..in opposed to the one my clients see in portfolios I show them..but I know nothing else..I think..lol :P

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  6. So true. We have it all planned since we were young but mine wouldn’t be the exact same ceremony that I dreamed of — I am a christian marrying an atheist. Will be married in June or July but the wedding will be maybe after a year, I still have time to think what my atheist wedding would be like.

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  7. you’ve managed to articulate what I’ve been thinking for years, and drill it down to how senseless it all really is. Open flames, flowers, thrown food, battles over garters. I think you forgot the alcohol, which explains a lot of how the former makes sense.

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  8. You may not believe this… but I’ve really never envisioned my theoretical wedding. I mean I kind of know what I don’t want in a dress, should I wear one… and I know I’d want a DJ instead of a band for the reasons you’ve outlined above… and I know the music at the ceremony would have to be significantly better than it usually is. Because I’m a music person. Otherwise, though… no real thoughts. Oh, and in my experience (and I’m about 10 years older than you), women these days do not fight to catch the bouquet. One of my best friends threw hers twice because none of us showed any effort in catching it.

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