Good evening. I hope this letter finds you well. You might not know me. My name is Nathan Badley. You probably know me as SSN# 111111111.
I was writing to let you know that I have, officially, filed my taxes. Much like most Americans, I have spent the last week cursing your name and wishing you ill. I thought about building a model of Washington D.C.just so I could stomp all over it like Godzilla, screaming “WHERE ARE YOUR TAX DOLLARS NOW, GOVERNMENT PEOPLE?!”
Needless to say, I was not thrilled to pay taxes.
Anyway I would like to apologize to you for calling you the following:
#$^$&^*%^ &$#@%#!$# $ ^$%&%& ^&$%^#
It really was unfair of me to call you all these things. After all, it is my civic duty to pay taxes. My money is sure to go to important things like the $1.8 million that is being given to the city of Las Vegas for a museum of neon signs or the $25 billion being spent every year on maintaining vacant federal buildings.
So I would like to thank you for taking my money. It’s almost like I am a true American hero for helping support this country. I am thinking about buying an Uncle Sam suit to wear around just to show I’m on team USA. Maybe I’ll hire a band to play the Star Spangled Banner everywhere I go. Of course, since I just paid taxes, I could really only hire a guy with a kazoo, but it would still be very patriotic.
If at any point in time you feel that you need more money, just let me know. I’m sure I could clean out my couch cushions and pawn some of my personal effects. Maybe I could talk to those Nigerian princes that are always emailing me and just have them forward my share of the money straight to you.
I’m sure we’ll figure it out. Everyone who works for the government is ultimately brilliant and capable.Americais not just baseball, apple pie, and morbidly obese people who have eaten too much apple pie. It is made up of people like me who give up their hard-earned money to a government that is so good at spending money, they can’t even stop once the money is gone.
- Money Matters: Stop Giving Uncle Sam a Free Loan! (wistatetreasury.wordpress.com)