I tried to be productive today. Honestly, I did. I worked very hard to get things done all day. At least, I worked hard until I became distracted.
Normally, I become distracted on my own. It’s very easy. I could be distracted by a fly on the wall or a bird outside or someone saying that they “could care less” when the clearly mean that they “could NOT care less.”
I had help today, though. I did not have to do all of the attentions span destruction on my own. Someone else had a hand in it and they definitely did not want me to be productive.
If they had, they wouldn’t have introduced “Angry Birds: Space” today.
For those who do not belong to the 700 million people who have downloaded “Angry Birds” (By the way, totally a real statistic. I know it sounds like a made up number that I used to show how popular this game is, but it is the actual number of times it has been downloaded. Whoa.), the game is about a bunch of birds. These birds happen to be angry.
Now, before you start assuming that the birds are being irrational, there is a solid reason for these particular birds to be upset. When they were off doing whatever it is that cartoon birds do, a bunch of round green pigs stole their eggs. Round green pigs are notorious egg thieves.
These angry, flying birds spend their time trying to kill a bunch of round green pigs to get their eggs. It sounds like a very stupid premise for a game, but it is the most addicting game in history. There is a solid scientific reason for this game’s popularity, expressed by this formula:
Flying Birds+ Round Green Pigs= Tons of Fun
After a while, though, the effects of these flying birds and green pigs seem to fade. The fun is decreased and you’re just left with stupid birds and boring green pigs. It is a total snooze fest*.
Knowing that this game had become very boring to people like me, the good people in charge of the Angry Birds went to work. What would make these birds fun again? What would get people like me saying things like “that stupid green pig” and not saying it in a sarcastic or ironic way? They thought it through and realized that there is one thing that makes everything way more entertaining.
As I logged onto my computer this morning, I was greeted by the news that these egg-stealing green pigs had gone into space. The birds, angry as ever, had followed them. I instantly grabbed my phone and began to download. I knew I was in for a treat, because if the first Angry Birds equaled tons of fun, the formula for this new one was bound to do one better:
Outer Space (Flying Birds+ Round Green Pigs)= Tons of Fun^500,000,000,000
My plan was to play the first level just to see what it was like. It became very apparent, though, that I missed a vital part of the new formula:
Tons of Fun^500,000,000,000= Super Frustrating and Aggravating in Every Way
For the next two hours, I shot birds through the gravitational pulls of planets to try to crush pigs in space helmets. Each shot, it seemed, would miss. Over and over, I pulled the sling shot back and let a bird go and over and over, these birds would fall short or drift into space. I had never cursed a cartoon farm animal as much as I did those pigs.
In space, there is no gravity. Apparently, this is also true in the made up outer space that, somehow, birds are able to live in. I tried to dodge planet and use their gravitational pull to send my bird directly where it needed to go. It was all very scientific. It was also very time-consuming and incredibly upsetting.
Finally, I was able to tear myself away from my phone. For a full minute and half. Then, I was back to hunting green space pigs.
I thought about throwing my phone. Nothing, and I mean nothing, had ever frustrated me as much as this game. Why could I not figure it out? Was I stupid? Had I been outsmarted by the pigs?
If my phone hadn’t eventually died, I am convinced that I would still be in the midst of an Angry Birds binge, sitting in a dark room, knuckles white from gripping my phone. I really need a 12-step program for this game.
So, to anyone who was expecting me to do something for them today, I’m sorry. I did not do it. It’s not my fault, though.
Get those stupid green pigs to stop stealing eggs.
*Do you think people would pay money to go to a snooze fest? It would be just like Ozzfest or Oktoberfest or other fests, except it would just be a large area filled with cots. Then people would take naps. It wouldn’t be as exciting as something like a concert, but there would certainly be fewer injuries…
- The Angry Birds Space experience: the gameplay is pretty clever (venturebeat.com)
- Angry Birds Space Out Now (g4tv.com)
- PSA: Angry Birds Space blasts off (joystiq.com)
- Angry Birds Space For $1 On Amazon Appstore Starting at 1AM, March 22nd (gadgetian.com)
- Angry Birds Space review! (mpapaya.wordpress.com)
- Angry Birds Theme Park (dukooth.wordpress.com)
- Angry Birds Short Film Coming to Nickelodeon (bnbgaming.com)