Roseanne Barr: America’s Greatest President

English: Roseanne Barr at the Hard Rock Cafe i...

Image via Wikipedia

With comedienne Roseanne Barr’s announcement that she will seek the Green Party’s presidential nomination, many people were baffled. Why would Roseanne Barr want to be president? Could she do a good job? Is Roseanne Barr still alive because I’m pretty sure I saw someone say she was dead on Twitter?

Barr has been a strong Green Party supporter for many years. She loves what the party stands for which, according to Wikipedia, is the Earth not being destroyed by things. She couldn’t be the worst candidate for president ever, and, yes, she is still alive according to everything I’ve read.

Honestly, I had no idea how she would do as president. That’s why I turned the clock ahead to 2020, the end of President Roseanne Barr’s second term to see how things would shape up with her at the helm:

 

With President Roseanne Barr’s second term coming to an end, it’s time to look back at what she has managed to do in the last eight years. To say that she is the best president in the United States’ history is, undoubtedly, the biggest understatement anyone could ever make.

Who can forget Barr’s first trip to China in early 2013. With the United States owing over $1 Trillion to China, things were very grim indeed. Within minutes of landing, though, Barr had convinced the powers that be to cancel our debt on the condition that she board Air Force One and “keep that shrill voice on an entirely different continent.”

As the economy began to rebound, Barr initiated phase two in her economic plan. Anyone who wanted money from the government was forced to explain why to Barr. Most requests were met with her trademark phrase, “Are you freaking kidding me?!” More money was made for the government when ABC began airing “Are You Freaking Kidding Me?!” a presidential based reality show where corporations and nonprofits vied for government funds. With the show becoming the most popular program of all time, billions were pumped into the government, created a budget surplus for the first time in decades.

Even more money was saved when the armed forces were dismantled in a controversial decision by Barr. Americans screamed, wondering how a country with so many enemies could function without a military. The question was answered days later when President Barr convinced Iran and North Korea to abandon their nuclear weaponry projects in exchange for a live reading of the season five episode of Roseanne entitled “Pretty in Black,” reuniting the original cast for the first time in years. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un called the performance “breathtaking” and saying the humor had “really stood the test of time.”

As 2016 hit, global warming had reached an all-time high. That’s when Barr delivered her historic speech to congress, calling on them to “quit being a bunch of dummies” and “save the earth because it’s not like we have anywhere else to go.” Within months, car companies had created zero emission vehicles that ran solely on water and factories had become 100% green.

After a 2016 reelection bid that saw Barr receive a record 98% of the popular vote, she found herself leading a country that, for the first time in decades, was headed down the right path.

That’s when tragedy struck.

Canada, upset that the United States was no longer considered the meanest country in the world, plotted revenge. Several Canadian commandos (aka Mounties) decided to strike in a way that would hurt the U.S.A. the most.

They kidnapped all of the NFL quarterbacks.

With no one to lead the NFL’s teams, America quickly sunk into a deep depression. Patriotism was at an all-time low. Holed up in a Buffalo, New York motel, the hostage crisis continued for months with each side demanding that the other give in to their demands.

Having had enough, President Barr came to the rescue. Armed with just a microphone and a powerful speaker, Barr stood outside the motel, belting “The Star Spangled Banner” for 36 days straight. Ignoring U.N. sanctions that called this act a “heinous crime against humanity,” Barr continued until, at long last, the Canadians gave up, begging for forgiveness as well as therapy to try to prevent night terrors because of this singing.

With the NFL quarterbacks firmly back in place, the United States continued it’s reign of dominance, no longer being a super-power, but becoming the first super-duper power. Her triumph as leader was celebrated just last year when her face replaced Thomas Jefferson onMt.Rushmore.

Will we ever have another president like Roseanne Barr? Only time will tell. Barr, though, will live on as an American hero and the greatest patriot to ever live.

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15 thoughts on “Roseanne Barr: America’s Greatest President

  1. I am Roseanne and I’m nominating you for the Versatile Blogger Award, as opposed to the versatile booger award, which I’ve already irrevocably won.

    You’ve likely been nominated for this before, but if so, I recommend you suck up this nomination like a man. No expectations.

    Thanks for the ha has.

    Like

  2. When it comes to fast-forwarding ahead to the end of second terms, your vision of Barr’s fake presidency seems preferable to Newt’s delusional one with a moon colony of 13,000 which he will name the 51st state.

    Like

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