This isn’t a new revelation. I’ve known I would be an awful caveman since the first time I heard about Otzi, the caveman who was found frozen in a block of ice. They say he was most likely killed by a rock to the head. No doubt I, much like Otzi, would have been murdered during this time period. Sometimes sarcasm can get you in trouble, particularly with prehistoric men who are still baffled by fire.
There are several reasons living in 3,000 BC would be difficult. I don’t think I would enjoy their food unless the antelope meat that they ate was actually ingested in the form of a burger. Even then, though, I’m pretty sure they didn’t have ketchup and I hate dry burgers. I can’t pull off a loin cloth very well (ask my neighbors). I don’t think I would be a very good hunter and, unless there is a Trader Joe’s nearby, the gathering probably wouldn’t go very well either.
There is one reason bigger than all of these, a reason so tremendous that I would not be able to overcome the sheer magnitude of this prehistoric problem.
I would be bored.
As a member of the MTV generation, my attention span is, at best, 12 seconds. After that, I am ready to be entertained. When I say that, I mean REALLY entertained, not entertained by listening to a caveman tell a story about the hunt of a Dodo bird while I sit next to a fire. I need music, a movie, a video game, someone telling jokes. Hairy men chatting about their new elkskin cap just aren’t going to cut it.
My dependence on entertainment came to a forefront today.
Being the responsible employee that I am, I had finished my current work by noon today. With that out of the way, I was able to sit and relax. After about seven seconds of that sitting and relaxing, I immediately became bored.
Fortunately modern day employers provide their employees with an entertainment device: the computer. Yes, they say these computers are for “creating PowerPoints” or “receiving management’s emails,” but we all know they really want us to spend find out about Tara Reid’s 24-hour engagement, subsequent marriage, and future divorce.
I turned to my computer, salivating at the thought of entertainment. Clicking the internet icon brought a window up just like that. I began to type, each letter appearing near the top of my screen. Within seconds I should be entertained, I thought as I hit enter.
Then I waited. And I waited. I continued to wait, growing more and more bored by the second. My computer tried as hard as it could, but it could not go any faster.
I looked around my desk for something to entertain me while I waited for my entertainment to arrive.
If I knew origami, I could make tiny Post-It note cranes. I do not, however, know anything fun to do with Post-its. Maybe I could shoot rubber bands at my coworkers. Of course they would want to retaliate. What if they had bigger more powerful rubber bands? Then they might shoot my eye out.
Anxiously, I began to tap my foot. How much longer would I have to wait? Had I angered the gods? Why, oh why had entertainment forsaken me?
Finally, at long last, the webpage loaded. All in all, that had to have been the longest 14 to 15 seconds of my life.
I’ve heard that cavemen sometimes went minutes, sometimes even hours in between entertainment sources. How could a person live like that?
No, there is no way I would survive in this era. If a time machine was created today, this would be one time period I would definitely avoid. In fact, I might want to avoid anything before the 1980’s. I’ve heard they were pretty scarce on entertainment too.